Dead End or Happy End

February 9, 2015 by Iridescent Spirits 17 Comments

This post is dedicated to my newest friend Annie. Well, at least the first part of it. 😛

I’ve just finished watching Mirai Nikki (Future Diary) based on your advise and Oh…My…God!

For those who are not familiar with it, it is a survival game where twelve people have their diaries foretelling the future. They have to fight each other to death and the last one standing would inherit the throne of Deus Ex Machina, the god of time and place. And I am a huge anime fan. 😛

It is really amazing as you said so, I couldn’t guess what would happen in the next moment. The plot itself is awesome, complicated but not too much, exactly as it should be. I think, I could never come up with such a great story but who knows, right? 😉

The character of Yuno was interesting to me till the very end (but my favourite was Minene) yet Yuno made me a bit scared sometimes. Not because of  the butchery she carried out but because of her her sole mental state. That unstable, sometimes extremely cute and sometimes completely mad teenager girl. Yet, it is understandable after all she went through. All in all, I loved the show, thank you for your advice. 🙂

Why I was scared sometimes is that I tend to be afraid of getting mad. Yet, this fear is one of the most frequent symptomps of panic disorder and my doctor said my desire for getting better is way stronger than the illness. Last time, she actually told me that basically I don’t have any problem on my own, but all those things I went through made me ill. True, I had a hard childhood, just like so many other people. I am pretty sensitive and empathetic, so that sometimes I feel sad instead of someone else. So basically, we could say that my doctor was right. True, if I spend most of my time with certain people I tend to take over some of their traits while preserving my own, just like so many other people. And it’s also true that my circumstances shaped me to be who I am today, again, just like so many other people. But saying that I am the victim of the circumstances would be harsh and not necessarily true. I would never say such a thing. Because there’s reason behind it. I can say lots of things that I’m thankful for, I gained while going through my hardships.

So, based on the start of this post, if you asked me if I’d like to know my future I’d say yes. But if you asked me if I REALLY wanna know my future I’d say no. Why? Because if I knew it will be something great and happy then there’s a chance that I get convenient and satisfied and this way not working hard to make my life better. While on the other hand, if it’s something desperate and hopeless, that would make me stressed and bind me to an extent that I would unintentionally drive myself to that wrong direction. So all in all, I can’t see a good thing in knowing my future.

Actually, this is why I don’t have a strict schedule about which day I am going to post and about what. I just don’t like it. There are my everyday duties I have to fulfill in time but this blog is about me and I would like it to be something that can set me free. I’d like to take my time to find out what I really want and also I’d like to enjoy myself. I look for happiness, without any concrete goal right now. Because life itself is a survival game, and I want a happy end. 🙂