Iridescent Spirits

Shelter of a constantly changing Soul.


Regularity of an Iridescent?

Hm that is going to be interesting.

As a part of Blogging 101 we have the task to create a regular feature. Well, regularity and sticking to something steady has never been one of my strengths. I also have to say I am not going too well with the stories I’ve started my blog with but that’s kind of fine since I’m just like that. Sometimes, I prefer imagining them to actually sit down and write. That’s it.

But! As most of you probably know, I write stories as a form of self-therapy defeating my panic disorder.

So here’s my idea. Apart from The Colour Book of Spirits published here. I have two other and bigger projects I am working on simultaneously. (Yes, it’s not easy.) So, regular posts will, or may appear here reflecting those projects, more likely the one that is solely about my panic disorder. I haven’t found a cool name for it yet so temporarily, let’s just call it The Panic Project. As it is longer and more complex than the CBoS, I’m not sure if I will publish that here, but I’m planning posting about inspiration, facts, other relating thoughts, or maybe some excerpts of it. Like one of the previous posts I’ve Never Really Been a Good Student. That post was published on a Saturday, so let’s say this category will be refreshed on Saturdays in every two weeks. I’ll try my best. 😉

I know you guys prefer shorter posts and positive thinking but this is necessary and unavoidable.
So, what do you think? 😉





I’m not this strong.

Now I’ll just act like as if I had no followers and no one to read what I write here. Sorry, but I don’t want to get addicted to stats.

This month I have to say I was really happy. Thanks to WordPress’s Blogging University, I managed to find inspiration, meet new, interesting and amazing people, and I woke up everyday jumping out of the bed happily, I haven’t done since ages. I was energetic and more focused, not only considering my blog but also my real life duties.

But during the past few days, I did nothing but slept. Through day and night, which is pretty strange as I’ve been insomniac for years now. I really thought that I’m quite strong as besides insomnia I’ve been suffering from panic disorder and depression for years, yet I was able to get a qualification, I’m at the end of university, with quite good grades and I have an adorable boyfriend and thankfully, I didn’t end up being attracted to alcoholic and abusive guys unlike my mom. I’m thankful for all of these, and also for the thing that suffering from diseases for years having no one to talk about, I managed to remain sane.

But this sleeping thing is not only strange but also, even during those hours I’m awake I’m exhausted. I’ve just realised I’m doing the same as with my panic disorder; I’m not telling about it to anyone and letting it eat me up from the inside.

I’ve been looking for a job for months now. I’ve had an interview as well and I wasn’t as shy as I used to be so I thought things are finally going fine. Ever since my parents divorced, when I was seven, we lived in constant uncertainity. We moved to other places quite a lot and usually by the end of the month we ran out of all of our money and always had loans. Things haven’t changed so much since then.

Although, I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, I’m slowly running out of patience, because everywhere they say “we’ll inform you soon“. No, I know they won’t. They say this all the time. I just want a damn job to manage my life. I don’t want to be rich just want to support my mom who has been working at a factory for more than ten years now. She’s extremely skinny since she’s always worried and doesn’t have time to eat and whenever she goes to the doctor I’m afraid it turns out that there’s something serious,

Really, uncertainity kills me the most. Lots of people say that we only face struggles we are able to overcome, but I’m not this strong. I’m officially fed up. And I’m crying now.


It’s an Award!

Today I woke up really early I checked my phone for the time and realised I had an e-mail. I was about to sleep a bit more but when I read the message I got so excited that I wasn’t able to go back to bed. Because..
I was nominated for The Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award! I would like to thank Cheryle from Lightwalkers Blog for the nomination at first. I am very happy you found my work this valuable. 🙂 Guys, check out her blog, you can find amazing and enlightening stuff out there. This award goes to writers who write about the unique female experience.

The Rules for Accepting and Nominating are as follows:

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you and link back to their site.
  • Put the award logo on your blog.
  • Answer the ten questions sent to you.
  • Nominate seven blogs.
  • Make a list of ten questions for your nominees

My answers to the questions:

  1. What is your biggest fear and why?

Probably being all alone. I don’t mean it as dying unmarried but rather not having friends or people with similar interests so there would be no one who could understand me.

  1. What are you motivated by?

By encouragement and consideration for example this nomination. 🙂

  1. What was the last dream you remember?

Hm, this is hard. I dreamt about being in high school again and I had to study hard because the evilest teacher was about to test me. It was horrible.

  1. What is your favorite book and why?

Now, this is even harder. I’d say two. One is Howl’s Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones. This book always cheers me up and no matter how many times I’ve read I always enjoy it as if I was reading it for the first time.

The other one would be The Evil Spirits by Fuyumi Ono. (The anime series Ghost Hunt was based on it, if it means something.) It is a bit gory and scary but I enjoyed it very much. It is well written and extremely interesting. I can’t help it I love the supernatural. (No, not the series that creeps the heck out of me.)

  1. If you could sit down and have a conversation with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be?

Diana Wynne Jones and Fuyumi Ono. I would like to hear them talking about their work and have Miss Jones tell me one of her stories she comes up with right at the moment.

  1. When you were younger, what did you want to be when you grew up? Do you still have that childhood dream?

I wanted to be a lawyer and one time a pathologist (no kidding) and also there was a time when I wanted to be an actress.
Now I don’t have any of these dreams, yet my family still thinks that I’m going to have the title Dr. 😀

  1. Do you have a bucket list? If so what are the top three items?

I do have a bucket list but it is quite short yet.
The first thing on it is to learn to play the violin. The second one is to learn to play a song I heard in the Japanese Grimm’s Fairy Tale Classics. That song is with me ever since I was about five. (It’s not in the English version)

  1. If you could boost one of your five senses, which would it be and why?

To trust in my intuitions more. Or have a better eyesight. 😛

  1. Would you rather die young, or live forever?

None of them. I fear dying young and I think living forever would be boring and maybe saddening. I’d like to have a long and happy life and die at an old age peacefully.

  1. What is your favorite thing about yourself?

The thing that I view the world differently than most people.

I nominate these seven wonderful blogs:

Living the Dream
By Lauren Hayley
Art Catalysts by KathyClem
Emma’s Cup
Sarah’s Humble Blog
Musings From a Tangled Mind

Now, here are my ten questions:

  1. What is your aim with your blog?
  2. If you could choose, in which century would you live in and why?
  3. What is your favourite book or movie and why?
  4. Who and/or what inspires you the most?
  5. What are you the most proud of about your life and yourself?
  6. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
  7. Imagine your life as a book in which you are the main character, what genre would it be?
  8. If you had any kind of a (super)power what would it be and what would you use it for?
  9. If you have a bucket list, what is the first thing on it?
  10. Do you have an unusual habit? If yes, then what is it?

Thanks for the nomination again, I appreciate it very much. Happy Blogging! 🙂


Blogging 101: Try Something You Never Did Before

The reason I mostly write stories is because through them I can gain a better knowledge about myself.

I’m currently fighting panic disorder and this is something that helps me the most. During the past few years I suppressed my feelings as nobody understood me and lots of people told me I’m just whining and imagining things. I became more and more self-constrained to an extent that in the end I managed to deceive not only people around me but even myself that everything is fine. I became emotionless, couldn’t smile truly and even wasn’t able to cry. But at university I was taught that every artwork we create, let it be music, painting, writing etc, represent our deepest fears, desires, basically the subconscious. So I began writing thanks to another university course.  But so much for the history lesson.

This post was inspired by David Long’s post A Secret in the “Self” Issues. Check out his blog what he does is awesome!

So if you are in a situation similar to mine, and you are interested in my method here are some useful tips that can come in handy.

At first, write a story, let it be long or short, fantasy or any other genre it’s up to you. Now, how to analyze them?

  • Scenery and Location: Is it deserted, dark or shining and peaceful? Do you resonate with it? How do you feel about it? For example generally, oceans and forests represent the soul of the writer, does the same go for you too?
  • Characters: What are they like? May they be based on yourself or someone you know? Do you like them? Try writing from the view of the opposite sex, it can tell you a lot about yourself. E.g. Children said to be representing innocence, purity and hope.
  • The Plot: May it refer to your current situation or even a problem you are afraid to face?

If you don’t know where to start or you feel like you are out of inspiration, you can still do it:

Make a list of places that pop into you mind and describe them. Do the same with the characters. Find a complication your character has to solve and bang it’s done! Actually, you can make a game out of this, just have some of your folks who are open-minded enough and together expand the lists mentioned above, then agree on one of all and the result will be eccentric and most likely funny, believe me! 😉

Actually, my doctor said that this is called imaginative psychotherapy. It’s funny I did something I never heard of. 😀 I have to tell I’m not a therapist, so I cannot help you analyze it but if you feel like you’d give a try to what I do, feel free to share it, I would gladly read about your experiences and discoveries, but of course it is also up to you. 🙂


Mr. Sandman Who Works All Day All Night

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Mr. Sandman.”

Mr. Sandman is supposed to come at night. But there are those called Night Owls and those who dream during the sunlight.

I don’t think Mr. Sandman comes only at night but works ceaselessly to make me feel everything’s alright. He comes to me like a ghost, escorts me wherever I go and he strikes in the moment when I’m the most undefended. Whispers to my ears drifting his words to my brain. I am daydreaming. Sometimes about myself or someone who is not me but kind of alike, and I don’t know if this is what I like.

Sometimes, Mr. Sandman sings or plays music that makes my brain work harder and sets it fuzzy. He sends me images, movements, drawings too bad I am not good at any kind of drawing. My hands shaking my ears ringing, I want to make a story that is kind for all of my senses. I am working, working and then comes the night, I can’t fall asleep because Mr. Sandman disappeared with the light. Probably he went on seeing someone else, fulfilling his every-night duty.

Left me alone thinking wildly, just like now with this post, which after I finish, makes me full of worry.

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My Inspiring Role-models

Yesterday, I posted four blogs, more correctly four posts from different blogs, that grabbed my attention so I commented on them. Today, I will choose one of them to talk about why and what I commented and share my further thoughts on the topic.

The post I chose today was on role models. The writer of the post mentioned their role models and what they taught them, and how these models helped them throughout hardships. Let them be parents, friends or even celebrities. You can read the post here:

I mentioned two celebrities, two musicians, namely Lindsey Stirling, also known as the “Dancing Violinist”, and the Belgian singer-songwriter Stromae. I said although I’m not a musician myself (but my childhood dream is to learn to play the violin) not only I like their music but also they and their uniqueness inspires me and knowing a bit of their backgrounds encourages me to have courage facing my own hardships and being unique and different is not bad at all.

Those who may know Miss Stirling, are probably aware of that she had eating disorder and she managed to overcome it. I am suffering from panic disorder which is quite similar to anorexia, and whatever she tells about her illness I always feel like she’s talking right to me. Moreover, although earlier she had been rejected for what she does, she became successful on her own. And this is very inspiring and encouraging. So here’s a song from her which is about her illness and is exactly what is happening to me right now.

My other role-model is Stromae. I’m sure lots of you know him and his music. The reason why he became my role-model is his honest and provocative lyrics, he always tells the truth about life and about this deceiving world. Also, he said something that immediately made him my role-model for life.

“I’m ridiculous, you are ridiculous, we are. Everybody is ridiculous in this place.”

Isn’t he right? So, here’s one of his songs about a childhood without a father (the same is true to me too). And though, the lyrics are quite sad the music is great and always cheers me up.

Thank you for reading and have fun listening to these awesome musicians. 🙂