Iridescent Spirits

Shelter of a constantly changing Soul.


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Little Words

So today I have finally written three hundred words, only in half an hour. Not for the blog of course, but that’s still something.

I have tons to say, too bad those million drafts won’t finish and publish themselves.


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For Starter…

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As for the first thing to write about in the new year, I have to tell you something important. Though, earlier I said I don’t believe in making resolutions, there was something I wanted to try. (By clicking the link you’ll se what I’m talking about, and by the way I’d like to thank the reader who somehow found this older post of mine and reminded me of one of my most important goals in my life 🙂 )

My last year was good and bad, but considering my mental health, which affected my life the most I have to say it was awful. Even despite the fact that I was/am medicated. And this is the point. A few weeks ago I realized something terrible and scary as hell. As a result (or side effect) of my medication I started losing the ability to feel. I couldn’t cry and couldn’t even laugh. Considering this, it is no surprise I was away from blogging, right?

After that realization, I decided I would stop taking medications. I had had my problems even before I started using tranquilizers but the problem was they remained and even got stronger after I got my treatment.

Now, I am taking one pill in every third day instead of taking them each day. In the beginning, it was awful, painful and frightening. Now, I am a bit clumsy, forgetful and goofy, but I have emotions and feelings as well. That is progress! Hopefully, soon I’ll be able to live and cope without any drug and I can gain back the control over my mind and life as well.

As for blogging, I won’t promise anything, I just wanted to tell you all of this.

Happy new year and have a nice day Everyone!

Cheers^^


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Going Back

The thing that shakes my whole existence, the one that makes me feel as my real home, wherever it is, is calling for me. You know what it is already, don’t you? I am talking about music 🙂

The story of the Tiny Monster is very close to me, I think from the stories I’ve posted here I am the most satisfied with that one. Also, that was the second story of mine that was read by other people instead of simply landing in the depths of my thoughts and my desk.

I do miss blogging, since I’ve started work I don’t have much time to come up with anything new, I don’t even have time to think about my stuff. I’ve felt a bit strange lately, and I realised that’s because the imaginary world of mine is left a bit abandoned, without any visitor. But it’s still there, and I don’t want to forget about it.

So, today I’d like to invite you to (re)read with me one of the stories that had the most powerful effect on me.
 Viridian (Part One) along with the song that inspired it.

Enjoy!

 


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Shh..

shh

 

They say it a lot.

“Don’t tell anyone about it… about your life, as there are poor spirited people who feed themselves on others’ pain. Or they make use of it on your disadvantage. Just hide it, hide everything and you will be fine.”

They say it a lot.

But they never say that silence can be more harmful than knowledge.

What if they knew all about me? My past, my illness and all the things they don’t know, and all the things that make me seem strange in their eyes. My past is past. My illness is still with me. And in fact, I feel much better when someone knows about my panic disorder. I use it not as an excuse for my behaviour, but it sets me free. Once I say it out loud ‘I have panic disorder’ all my fears disappear. I stop thinking about what they think about me. They know it and they can do with that info whatever they want. I am not afraid. Maybe because most of the time people cannot say a word as they had never met the illness before.

Maybe there are situations when I shouldn’t talk about it, people that shouldn’t know about it, but to be honest, I really don’t know how they could hurt me with this knowledge. Yet, I am well aware that poor spirited people can come up with the most incredible methods of trying to tear someone down.

But I am still wondering about this; Should I remain silent under any circumstances? Or I should ask just this; Under any circumstances?


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A Little Bit of IridEssence

I’ve always had a pretty peculiar relationship with music. Ever since I was a child I liked classical music, especially the sound of violin, and it has never ceased to cause me goosebumps. I especially like instrumental music. That provides me with freedom and enlivens my whole existence. Whenever I listen to a song I love my brain becomes clear and the pain of the sometimes grievous real world disappears and only me and my imagination exist. My brain immediately starts creating colourful pictures irrispectively of where I heard that certain song or what music video it has. It urges, encourages and helps me tell my story.

All in all, music is what inspires me the most. Not only does it provide me with inspiration but also it is the biggest source of energy of mine. Whenever I feel sad, powerless or worn out, I hit the play button, the key to my imagination, and I disappear into my very own, safe and hidden world, which however dark can be never fails to fill me with light.

Now, let me present you with a little piece of my Imaginary World. 🙂

Continue reading


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Sweet Escape

Yet lately, I’ve been living my life to the most I am currently capable of, all of a sudden I had a very strong urge to escape to my imaginary world again. It has and always will be there, no matter where I go, or what I do it will always be a solid part of mine after all.

I would like to have a wonderful life. Not in the meaning of being rich or famous or anything like that, but literally; I’d like to have a life full of wonders. I need to see what cannot be seen through ordinary glasses. I need to have purple pigs running around me, I want leaf-people dancing with me and now I really want to take off that crystal dress for good. And, I want to write those chapters I haven’t done yet.

That is the real me after all. A little dramatic, sometimes a bit puzzling and last but not least, iridescent to the fullest.


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Am I invisible?

Yeaaah.

No, wait.

There has always been this problem around me. Depression and stuff grew so much onto me that I usually felt I’m invisible. They didn’t notice me on the streets, usually bumped into me, and always I was the one who didn’t have place on photos. People couldn’t even memorize my name, even though it is not that complicated, and also it is kind of old, easy, and I’m really happy that I didn’t get my name after the antagonist of a popular soap opera. People usually were/are so bad at remembering my name that they usually gave me new ones, the only thing that managed to stuck into their heads was the initial ‘A’, that has always been the only thing they remembered and I got my new names based on that. Even my psychologist (can you see the irony?) had a hard time remembering my name.

I sat right in front of him and he started, “Well, dear Andrea!” I couldn’t bear it anymore so I interrupted
“It’s Adrienn!”
“Excuse me, what is it?”
“I said, it’s Adrienn!”
“Oh, alright sorry Adrienn!” Then we kept talking for a maximum of five munites without any problem. Bang!
“So, dear Anette!”
“It’s Adrienn!!”
“Oh, sorry again…”

Now I mean can you really see the irony? After that had happened I almost expected to someone eventually call me Arshole. Really, I mean they always got the ‘A’ right, and nothing else. But I had to realise that this never will happen. And as for an extra gift today I got a letter from a site I signed up with the purpose of finding a job, I checked it I still have a valid account with my full name. I have to say I hardly read their messages as they are mostly spams but something caught my attention this time:

“Dear, First Name!”

C’mon! That doesn’t even start with an ‘A’! Oh, and by the way, thanks for the another brick to build my new self on! 😉