Iridescent Spirits

Shelter of a constantly changing Soul.


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Little Words, Huge Worlds

I have been sitting on this post way more than it was necessary.

There were tons of things and stuff happening to me lately. I don’t even know where to start.  Maybe I should start by mentioning I have moved to Budapest (the capital of Hungary) half a year ago. To be exact on 4 September …

… because I started university. Yes. I decided to try myself in Japanese, even though I already have a university degree in English. I felt studying on my own and taking a language examination in itself won’t be sufficient for me to step into the next level. And to be honest, I didn’t think of myself as someone creative enough to prevail with my Japanese knowledge(?) in a small town where there is almost no need for Japanese speaking people.

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I didn’t know the city, nor anyone living here and nobody came along with me. I had had in mind, that it would be very difficult and both phisycally and mentally tiring, especially since I have to work besides studying, for my family cannot support me. But I had thought I had to take this step so I took it.

Let’s be honest. It IS scary. Even after months have passed by. I’m sure it would be scary for most people, but it is super hardcore for someone with a mental illness. Super hardcore. Period.

Anxiety is not easy in itself and I can confidently say that I have managed to lose my initial goal. What was that again? I am not even willing to go back and read the first paragraph. It is quite okay there, what has happened that has happened. Although, I am still more than ready to throw everything away and go back to the life I had before I moved here. This is one of the things that have kept me away from blogging; I was so overwhelmed by my depression that I have felt everything I had written were some serious crap.

Besides the circumstances, and believe me at this point those are the least important, something has changed. Maybe this blockhead has slowly started to learn the lessons needed.

I have just posted something very little. It is too little in fact, comparing to everything that has happened to me lately, and comparing to those sooo many things I’d want to say out loud. But that post was bigger than I first thought it would be. It made me feel extremely anxious when I was about to hit the publish button of something so stupid and uninteresting. It was the same feeling that I felt when I published my very first post ever. It was scary af, but I LOVE this feeling. This is what I need, I don’t know I just simply need it. It did not only race my heartbeat but raised my mood as well. That led me to a serious revelation; I have stepped out of my comfort zone, just to shut myself into a more uncomfortable one.

So, now I won’t reread this, won’t think about anything, just hit publish and I go to my job in that bittersweet reality.

 

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Going Back

The thing that shakes my whole existence, the one that makes me feel as my real home, wherever it is, is calling for me. You know what it is already, don’t you? I am talking about music 🙂

The story of the Tiny Monster is very close to me, I think from the stories I’ve posted here I am the most satisfied with that one. Also, that was the second story of mine that was read by other people instead of simply landing in the depths of my thoughts and my desk.

I do miss blogging, since I’ve started work I don’t have much time to come up with anything new, I don’t even have time to think about my stuff. I’ve felt a bit strange lately, and I realised that’s because the imaginary world of mine is left a bit abandoned, without any visitor. But it’s still there, and I don’t want to forget about it.

So, today I’d like to invite you to (re)read with me one of the stories that had the most powerful effect on me.
 Viridian (Part One) along with the song that inspired it.

Enjoy!

 


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Now that’s why She is my role-model

 

So right, so true, and I wish I could tell this my teen self. Yet there still are many many lessons to learn..

“Spread the love!”

Hugs! 🙂


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Sweet Escape

Yet lately, I’ve been living my life to the most I am currently capable of, all of a sudden I had a very strong urge to escape to my imaginary world again. It has and always will be there, no matter where I go, or what I do it will always be a solid part of mine after all.

I would like to have a wonderful life. Not in the meaning of being rich or famous or anything like that, but literally; I’d like to have a life full of wonders. I need to see what cannot be seen through ordinary glasses. I need to have purple pigs running around me, I want leaf-people dancing with me and now I really want to take off that crystal dress for good. And, I want to write those chapters I haven’t done yet.

That is the real me after all. A little dramatic, sometimes a bit puzzling and last but not least, iridescent to the fullest.


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We All Are Warriors

We all have our problems, fears, duties and sometimes, no, actually pretty frequently our disorders. There are times when we all are afraid of lots of things. I told you a several times before I am usually afraid of showing my real self. There is no exception when it comes to blogging, unfortunately. There are drafts and half-written stories I am temporarily afraid to post because of the innate fear of judgement. The need to please others, remember? At times like this I like to escape to my dream world but nowadays I come back soon because I made a decision.

I decided that I want to create a better and happier future for myself. I had to realise that this decision was made more than in my mind, in my whole body, nerves and even tissues. These are that call me back from my imaginary world sooner than before. To do something, to create something, and make a better me. This is why I blog after all. I am here because I want to be here, where I happened to meet lots of people with similar problems and goals as mine. They are who give me strenght, their sole presence proving that I’m not alone. Those who try their best to rebuild themselves sometimes from ruins. The strength in these people is amazingly inspiring.

Here’s a song that always fills me up with hope and that urges me to love this half-full person who I am with all my flaws and the uniquness that my panic disorder provided me with. It can be a great thing, really. There is a good and bad side of everything, remember? Do not forget it ever.

I love the lyrics, and the video as well. Though, I’m not a big gamer myself, the symbolism in this one is pretty strong. My favourite is the fight in the clouds. Those shadows remind me of the harmful thoughts and hardships we all go trough, in other words our demons. Whenever I listen to this song I feel I have enough strength to win, to be one of the warriors I talked about.