Iridescent Spirits

Shelter of a constantly changing Soul.


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Things My Panic Disorder Taught Me – Writing 101 Day 2

Life in itself is a coursebook with lessons to learn. Only it becomes a bit thicker if it is coloured with a certain mental disorder. Here is a short but very consistent list on what my panic disorder taught me:

  • Even though there are problems in my life I have to solve on my own, I’m never alone.

I mean, really. This is the hardest thing to admit, right? We, humans, all love to suffer, accuse others for our misfortunes and it all goes right until we bump into someone, who desires to help without any second thoughts. Then our whole view of the world goes upside down and if we are lucky enough we can finally learn to see the bright side of life. Watch out mates, these people do exist! Thankfully 🙂

  •  Sometimes, actually most of the time, I am the only one who knows what’s the best for me.

I know, this is going a bit against the first point but this is another important lesson I’ve learnt…the hardest way. Just think about it. At times when we are inconfident we tend to ask advice even in matters that don’t really affect other people besides us. Furthermore, there is that very annoying situation when we know exactly what we should do, but since it seems harder or a bit nonsensical we may end up doing what others think is best even though it’s result will be boring or unsatisfying for us. Then we think; ‘oh man, I should’ve done what I wanted to’. Rings a bell? And when we end up in a mess not listening to our intuitions? Nope, nope. Though, I have to say, I don’t mean we should never look for advice or take care of the opinion of people around us it’s just we have to learn to make a difference between healthy selfishness and sacrifice.

  • I am my biggest critique.

Literally. Have you ever been in a situation, or I should say in such a bad period of your life when you constantly thought people around you do nothing but tease you, deceive you and even talk about you behind your back? That you were so cautious not to say anything inappropriate that you ended up like as if you weren’t even there? Because you were afraid they would take all of your words and actions in the exact opposite way you meant them? If not then you are a very lucky dude. I have and it was a horrible feeling.
It is like you always have to be en guard to be able to protect yourself because you take every little sigh, words and actions of others as a potential threat.
Thankfully by now I have managed to clear this exhausting misunderstanding that occupied my mind. Most of these thoughts were ignited by my own imagination and self-hatred. A frighteningly incontrollable menace of my own darkness.

Maybe some of these points sound familiar to you or even may help to realise and face your own problems if you have any. That would be great!
If not then thanks for your time 😉


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Once in a While…

A few days ago, something unusual happened to me.

Outside my blog, my panic disorder is a secret. Only a few people, who are the closest to me know about it. Also, about my abusive, alcoholic father, who beat my mom in front of me when I was a child. People hardly realise my sensitivity both when it comes to my inner peace and when I have to deal with everyday problems.

Those people cannot see into my mind, don’t know about my past, basically I seem to be a less then ordinary person to them. Somebody strange, a little weird, too silent and somebody who is afraid of almost everyone. But I’m quite fine with it. Furthermore, sometimes I love this idea that at least in my mind I can be alone and don’t have to express every feeling of mine. I have something I can keep only to myself.

As a result of these, over the years I got used to that people make judgements about me without getting a little closer to me, they arbitrarily label me as a weep, a doormat to rub their dirty feet on, somebody perfectly irresponsible, because I overslept due to my sleeping problems, and disorganised because they cannot see the mess that overtakes my mind, neither can they feel the fear that every little physical symptom of my illness raises in me. Over the years I got used to hide these things in me, and endured the painful prejudices without defending myself as I was well aware that some people simply cannot understand it. In fact, I never expected anyone any more to realise and not even acknowledge that I have a much bigger problem than what they think. I decided to fight all alone for my own good because I know no one else would do this for me.

But the other day, first in the approximate 7-8 years of living with my panic disorder, me and my illness got acknowledged. It happened on the primary school graduation of my distant nephew. I haven’t been in their town since I was a little girl but all of his family remembered me. His grandpa smiled when he saw me and said ‘here comes the shy little girl’. I didn’t really understand why he said that, I was so little when we last met that I could hardly recognise him. Later my mom said, I wasn’t really friendly towards him in the past. So I told him I can’t remember that time but I’m sure there was nothing personal about it. Then, he told me of course, and he didn’t mind as he knew I was just a little girl, and maybe his really deep voice scared me. Or..

He said he heard about my past, he didn’t elaborate on that so I asked him what exactly je was talking about. Instead answering, he just patted my head, smiled gently and said that we don’t have to talk about it.

This little acknowledgement and unexpected care surprised me so much, I just stood there petrified and couldn’t believe what had just happened to me. The little girl in me was more shocked, I was simply surprised. She would’ve cried but I didn’t. This very simple but caring act of grandpa melted my heart and I felt that all my silent sufferings got acknowledged. And this feeling was simply awesome. I wish all of us could experience something like this, at least once in a while.

Pic from Pinterest


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Let the Sunshine Award in!

I really really love having (blogger) friends. ^^ They are not only there for as shoulders to cry on but also they can be a very great source of inspiration. So, I would like to thank daziigirl from UNOTAKU, who nominated me for the Sunshine Award. She is a nice and smart young lady who became one of my best friends in a pretty short while and now we even share our real life problems and anxieties out of the blogosphere too. Thanks Dear! You made my day^^ ❤

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The rules of this award are as follows:

If you have been nominated for The Sunshine Award and you choose to accept it, write a blog post about the Sunshine award in which you:

• Thank the person who nominated you.

• Answer the questions from the person who nominated you.

• Nominate a few other bloggers.

• Write the same amount of questions for the bloggers you nominated.

• Notify the bloggers on their blog.

• Put the award button on your blog.

Now here are my answers to daziigirl’s questions:

1. Name three positive and negative traits of you!

Oh, I love this question 😀 What I think of as one my positive traits would be my compassion for others, let them be people, animals or even fictional characters. Actually I could cry more easily for others than for myself. The second positve trait of myself is my patience. It is pretty hard to upset me, though sometimes I think this is the thing I can hurt myself the most with. 😀 The third one and which I am the proudest of is the different way I see the world. I cannot really pour it into words but this is the thing for I love myself the most. An extra trait of mine I cherish is my insightfulness. 🙂

Ah, and the negative ones. Definitely my tendency to overthinking, overworrying and of course that compulsion for comformity. These bind me the most and I really struggle overcoming them. It can be really hard to live like this sometimes.

2. When and why did you start blogging?

I started my blog last April for a very uhm kind of strange reason 😀 At uni I took a Fiction Writing course where we wrote stories. Now, the idea of starting a blog came to me when I unintentionally created a sequel to the story I handed in but I was thinking a lot. I thought I should have more written stories before starting a blog in order not to “drown” in the series. But then someone copied one of my ideas so I got a bit afraid of losing the originality of my idea so I hastily published those half-finished stories :”D That’s it. If you got interested you can find them here.

3. Naruto or One Piece?

Naruto. (Because I haven’t watched a single episode of One Piece 😀 yet )

4. Do you believe in fate?

Absolutely. I firmly believe we all were born to this planet with a reason and with a mission we have to carry out. Though I’m not sure what’s my job here, I do believe I’ll find it out soon. 😉

5. What are your life goals?

Well, for a while now, my biggest goal in life is to defeat my panic disorder and to get in a better relationship with myself. Also, my blog became something very important (or I should say vital) to me, and without any certain prospect I feel I should keep it doing and see what will come out of it. 🙂 Finally, letting my voice be heard. Because sometimes it’s not that people don’t want to hear me, but rather I don’t speak loud enough.

6. What is your favorite music genre and artist?

I have a very eclectic musical taste, basically I like most genres but my favourite ones are those that have meaning. These can be instrumental (remember my love for the violin?) or whatever. The point is that if they inspire me, then I love them. For years I hardly could say I have a favourite artist but now I’d say Lindsey Stirling. She not only plays the violin but had suffered from a mental illness and defeated it so besides she can inspire me the most, she’s also my role-model.

7. What can we expect from your blog in the future?

I hope I can finish both The Colour Book of Spirits and The Panic Project too. These are very important to me, one because of my inner peace and I consider the other my life-work. Besides, I hope I can make out something great and inspirational out of my experiences and views, and that sharing them could do something good to those who read it. 🙂

Okay, I’d like to nominate two blogs. I really love them, they show such strength and love in this mad world where we all struggle.

Gentle Kindness

A Momma’s View 

What I’d like to know about them:

1. Did you start your blog with a certain purpose? If yes, then did you reach it?

2. What did you gain with your blog you are the happiest for?

3. Do you believe in fate? Does it have anything to do with your blog?

4. Does blogging affect your personal life? If so, then how?

5. What would you like your blog to be known for?

6. What are your life goals?

7. What do you look for when reading another blogs?

This would be my post on The Sunshine Award. I am really thankful for the nomination, it is not only an honor to me but also gave a little inspiration back to me. 🙂 And this is priceless.

Hugs! ❤


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Happy Birthday, Iridescent Spirits!

Exactly a year ago, on 6th April 2014 I started my blog. Oh my God a year has gone away :O

In 2014, I only had two short stories written for a seminar, and though I had been thinking about starting a blog way before, I was waiting to have more content. Even the name popped into my mind in a rush, but interestingly it turned out that I possibly couldn’t come up with a better and more meaningful one.

I’ll be honest, I had no idea what I was going to write about regularly, and true, at first I thought I would only post stories written by me, that has never been something I could do (and finish) within a few hours, every day.

Also, last year, around this time, I’ve had learnt for sure that I have panic disorder and that was also the time when I’ve decided to start therapy. Along with my blog, I’m sure that was one of my best decisions.

Anyways, April 2014 was a very deciding month of my my life. It was easy, concerning that I was going to university, I had a stable schedule and I could think of my blog, and my life was flowing in a stable direction. Yet, it was hard, I had my illness, I was angry and shocked when during every single sessions with my psychologist, I’ve learnt newer problems I had to solve but had absolutely no idea how. The problems in me were constantly piling up and I couldn’t see what was inside of me, and even an expert couldn’t find a way to help. I was devastated. I remember my psychologist once said “Just be yourself!” and my answer was okay but how?

Well, I don’t know if in the last year I have managed to learn how to be myself but Iridescent Spirits has helped me a lot, Actually, after the start I was a bit afraid. At first, it seemed like my personality had cracked into two separate parts. One was present in my “real” life, the anxious, depressed and extremely shy one, and my iridescent one, that appeared on my blog, who wasn’t that afraid to expose herself. I didn’t know which one was the real, and I was afraid that this would never change. But slowly, yet firmly, the blogger me started to rise, without me noticing it. The whole situation was exactly like when a little child learns how to walk.

With this, my life took a 180° turn as well. Daily challenges became harder, now there wasn’t university, but a job with a hectic schedule. Family losses, diseases and no time to spend meaningfully. Yet, things inside of me became clearer and the ceaseless anxiety in me has finally started to ease. Desires from my past, I tossed away because of fear are getting stronger and now the only problem is the lack of time not the huge and scary obstacle put up by fear. And all of this could happen thanks to my blog and WordPress.

All in all, I love my blog, and I thought it deserves to be celebrated on this very important day. 🙂 I don’t know where I would be now without Iridescent Spirits. It is not only my shelter, it became my best friend, my island of peace and the place of acceptance. I would love to thank Everybody who joined me on this wild ride and I wish many more years like this.^^

Happy 1st Birthday Iridescent Spirits!

hbis


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The Versatile Blogger Award

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The other day, I was nominated for The Versatile Blogger Award by My Lost Lexicon. I would like to thank you, you came just at the right time. 🙂

Rules:

  • Show the award on your blog.
  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Share seven facts about yourself.
  • Nominate 15 blogs.
  • Link your nominees’ blogs, and let them know.

Seven facts about me:

  • This nomination came when I felt pretty depressed and actually this kind of thing happens to me a lot. Whenever I feel like I’d give up on something, somebody or something appeares to ensure me not to do so. So thanks again for the nomination!
  • I still don’t know what my blog is really about, even though I started it last April.
  • I want to learn to play the violin ever since I was about five years-old. (I played the piano as a child btw)
  • Ever since then, it is the most inspirational thing to me. I come up with new stories while listening to songs that contain violin.
  • I never wanted to be a writer, yet I started this blog with the purpose of publishing my stories here. (I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, even though I’m already a grown-up :O )
  • I love anime and whenever I write a story I imagine it as if it was an anime series.
  • I also studied Japanese language and that was (is!) my favourite subject of all time. Really, I just LOVE it. With full caps.

My nominees (yet, hopefully I’ll find other awesome blogs soon):

Quixotic Reflections
Flavored Lemons
A Bohemian’s Mind
The Nassauda Monologue
Jacquifool
Daydream Into the Night
Poetry of an eccentric sheep
Girl Alone

I will expand this list (once 😛 ) Until then, happy blogging and hugs! 🙂