Iridescent Spirits

Shelter of a constantly changing Soul.


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For Starter…

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As for the first thing to write about in the new year, I have to tell you something important. Though, earlier I said I don’t believe in making resolutions, there was something I wanted to try. (By clicking the link you’ll se what I’m talking about, and by the way I’d like to thank the reader who somehow found this older post of mine and reminded me of one of my most important goals in my life 🙂 )

My last year was good and bad, but considering my mental health, which affected my life the most I have to say it was awful. Even despite the fact that I was/am medicated. And this is the point. A few weeks ago I realized something terrible and scary as hell. As a result (or side effect) of my medication I started losing the ability to feel. I couldn’t cry and couldn’t even laugh. Considering this, it is no surprise I was away from blogging, right?

After that realization, I decided I would stop taking medications. I had had my problems even before I started using tranquilizers but the problem was they remained and even got stronger after I got my treatment.

Now, I am taking one pill in every third day instead of taking them each day. In the beginning, it was awful, painful and frightening. Now, I am a bit clumsy, forgetful and goofy, but I have emotions and feelings as well. That is progress! Hopefully, soon I’ll be able to live and cope without any drug and I can gain back the control over my mind and life as well.

As for blogging, I won’t promise anything, I just wanted to tell you all of this.

Happy new year and have a nice day Everyone!

Cheers^^


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The Tear of Yesterday is the Hymn of Tomorrow

First of all, I’m really really sorry for my long-long absence. I’ll be honest, I hated this period when my whole world turned upside-down and I didn’t have any idea how to balance my duties and all the things I like the most. It was hard, hateful, utterly exhausting and full of negativity. Duties..we all know these very well, but what I forgot, I have duties towards myself as well.

I missed blogging, my shelter and the people here, and maybe because of this I couldn’t find my place anywhere the wind of change swept me. I’ve let all the unimportant things to occupy my mind, and thus I was mislead from what is important to me. I did what I never wanted to; left the path I should walk on and that I managed find the hardest way. I also forgot about myself, my panic disorder that makes me unique, and let the circumstances make me believe I’m completely worthless only because I’m a little different.

The vicious circle started again, constant anxiety, panic attacks, sickening inconfidence, self-doubt, fear of speaking my mind and so on. I simply forgot how to care for myself. But you know what? I’ll restart all this learning process, I will do my best, let it be anything, let it be extraordinary, strange or even ridiculous; I’ll be me, I’ll keep writing my own fairy tale. Because I don’t want to feel this pain again and more importantly because it just has been proven that I cannot live my life any other way.


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Monday Monkey and the Year of the Goat

I am a Goat, no wait, that didn’t sound that ridiculous in my head. I was born in the Year of the Goat according to the Chinese horoscope.

On the very first day in this new year, exactly 20 February, my prayers were heard by someone and I goat got! a job! Yay! *-*

Yep, I got it on Friday, and I’m telling you only now! I know I’ve been bad, but to tell the truth, it is not only that I was afraid of shouting my luck away but also because recently I got a little out of inspiration.

Probably, or I think so, this is because I started living my life out of my head. I don’t only dream and create my world only inside my head but I’ve actually started living it. I am blogging, instead of locking everything up inside me, and I found job, because I (had and) wanted to. These are pretty great for me, I know, but I have to say, I feel a little lost now. I didn’t lose interest in writing my stories I just find it a little bit diffcult now. But I think as soon as I get used to the job, I will be quite the same again.

No, no. I’m not depressed, I am just exhausted. I was lucky enough to have the chance to study my job before I actually start it and it turned out – okay I’ve always known it – that I’m really bad at multi-tasking. I’m not a smart phone after all, and besides my phone is one the dumbest ones. But the point is that I’m certain I’m going to do the job well, while somehow manage to go on with my blog. It’s not that I won’t have time to write, but I possibly won’t have time to think. At least for a while.

I wasn’t about to post anything today but I just bumped into this quotation, and okay, let it speak for itself:

“Successful people are those, who not only do their job great, but also they are doing it when they don’t fell like it and even when others can’t see them.”

Emil Tonk (Translation by me)

Basically, this is what reminded me that I love blogging, and it works as a therapy for me better than anything else, and even if I feel a little bit stuck it doesn’t mean that I should end it. That option didn’t even popped into my mind! It only means that I have to try out something different that would fresh it, and also myself, up.

*jumping around the room out of happiness* Is it really Monday?


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We All Are Warriors

We all have our problems, fears, duties and sometimes, no, actually pretty frequently our disorders. There are times when we all are afraid of lots of things. I told you a several times before I am usually afraid of showing my real self. There is no exception when it comes to blogging, unfortunately. There are drafts and half-written stories I am temporarily afraid to post because of the innate fear of judgement. The need to please others, remember? At times like this I like to escape to my dream world but nowadays I come back soon because I made a decision.

I decided that I want to create a better and happier future for myself. I had to realise that this decision was made more than in my mind, in my whole body, nerves and even tissues. These are that call me back from my imaginary world sooner than before. To do something, to create something, and make a better me. This is why I blog after all. I am here because I want to be here, where I happened to meet lots of people with similar problems and goals as mine. They are who give me strenght, their sole presence proving that I’m not alone. Those who try their best to rebuild themselves sometimes from ruins. The strength in these people is amazingly inspiring.

Here’s a song that always fills me up with hope and that urges me to love this half-full person who I am with all my flaws and the uniquness that my panic disorder provided me with. It can be a great thing, really. There is a good and bad side of everything, remember? Do not forget it ever.

I love the lyrics, and the video as well. Though, I’m not a big gamer myself, the symbolism in this one is pretty strong. My favourite is the fight in the clouds. Those shadows remind me of the harmful thoughts and hardships we all go trough, in other words our demons. Whenever I listen to this song I feel I have enough strength to win, to be one of the warriors I talked about.


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Solid Self-esteem Pt. 2

Okay now, based on the previous post. I just got an idea how to improve my self-esteem a bit, not relying on other’s but relying on them at the same time.

Let me explain this.

I have an unhealthily low self-esteem, it’s a fact. As a result of this, I tend to lose heart at stuff I like, because I have pretty high expectations I feel I cannot live up to, and this makes me far too stressed to keep up the good(?) work. This need to be solved as soon as possible, so I came up with an idea that may help.

Here’s the method. I will compile all the comments from you guys and as well from others telling me you liked some of the stuff you found here and so on. Because these comment mean so much to me, you cannot even imagine. Then, I will make a montage from it and hang it on the wall right above my desk. So far so good?

True, at first thought this may seem self-praise and even suggest a tendency of egoism but in my case it’s definitely not that. Because, whenever I feel I cannot keep up blogging and writing, I’ll just look at them, and I will think, Okay, I made it once, twice, a few times, probably what I do is worthy, so why worrying? If I try I can possibly keep the pace, the quality and move towards to reach my goals. This sounds better now, right? Remember the example from the previous post? I’m not confident because of the job I have but because I can do that job. And it is an important difference.


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Dead End or Happy End

This post is dedicated to my newest friend Annie. Well, at least the first part of it. 😛

I’ve just finished watching Mirai Nikki (Future Diary) based on your advise and Oh…My…God!

For those who are not familiar with it, it is a survival game where twelve people have their diaries foretelling the future. They have to fight each other to death and the last one standing would inherit the throne of Deus Ex Machina, the god of time and place. And I am a huge anime fan. 😛

It is really amazing as you said so, I couldn’t guess what would happen in the next moment. The plot itself is awesome, complicated but not too much, exactly as it should be. I think, I could never come up with such a great story :/ but who knows, right? 😉

The character of Yuno was interesting to me till the very end (but my favourite was Minene) yet Yuno made me a bit scared sometimes. Not because of  the butchery she carried out but because of her her sole mental state. That unstable, sometimes extremely cute and sometimes completely mad teenager girl. Yet, it is understandable after all she went through. All in all, I loved the show, thank you for your advice. 🙂

Why I was scared sometimes is that I tend to be afraid of getting mad. Yet, this fear is one of the most frequent symptomps of panic disorder and my doctor said my desire for getting better is way stronger than the illness. Last time, she actually told me that basically I don’t have any problem on my own, but all those things I went through made me ill. True, I had a hard childhood, just like so many other people. I am pretty sensitive and empathetic, so that sometimes I feel sad instead of someone else. So basically, we could say that my doctor was right. True, if I spend most of my time with certain people I tend to take over some of their traits while preserving my own, just like so many other people. And it’s also true that my circumstances shaped me to be who I am today, again, just like so many other people. But saying that I am the victim of the circumstances would be harsh and not necessarily true. I would never say such a thing. Because there’s reason behind it. I can say lots of things that I’m thankful for, I gained while going through my hardships.

So, based on the start of this post, if you asked me if I’d like to know my future I’d say yes. But if you asked me if I REALLY wanna know my future I’d say no. Why? Because if I knew it will be something great and happy then there’s a chance that I get convenient and satisfied and this way not working hard to make my life better. While on the other hand, if it’s something desperate and hopeless, that would make me stressed and bind me to an extent that I would unintentionally drive myself to that wrong direction. So all in all, I can’t see a good thing in knowing my future.

Actually, this is why I don’t have a strict schedule about which day I am going to post and about what. I just don’t like it. There are my everyday duties I have to fulfill in time but this blog is about me and I would like it to be something that can set me free. I’d like to take my time to find out what I really want and also I’d like to enjoy myself. I look for happiness, without any concrete goal right now. Because life itself is a survival game, and I want a happy end. 🙂

 


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Listen To Your Instincts

Positive Outlooks Blog

There will be a few times in your life when all your instincts will tell you to do something, something that defies logic, upsets your plans, and may seem crazy to others. When that happens, you do it. Listen to your instincts and ignore everything else. Ignore logic, ignore the odds, ignore the complications, and just go for it. —Judith McNaught

Man walking at sunset


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