Iridescent Spirits

Shelter of a constantly changing Soul.


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The Panic Project #5 – Special: Meet Hugo

Talking about this  mysterious pal is one of the hardest,
Because Hugo is a character who could be understood the hardest.

He’s a simple guy, yet monstrous and disgusting.
He always appeares whenever I‘m not watching.

Despite his eldritch looks, he seems harmless,
I usually dismiss him, or I should say care more or less.

Though, he creeps ceaselessly into my mind,
Hiking on the mountains of my fantasy through day and night.

He howls, crawls, scratches and bites,
Not caring about the pain that reaches into heights,
Seeking for the sun throughout the endless skies.

These thirteen letters are my name,
Who is now the most hopeless, You or Me?

Next bit of TPP on 18th April 😉

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2Q15

(Have you read 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami? If not, then, even I have only finished the first book yet, I wholeheartedly recommend it.)

Yesterday was the first day of spring. The beginning of something new. The nature comes to life again, new plants begin growing and people start flowing out to the streets more often, as a result of the finally sunny weather.

Though, it’s only the third month of the year, lots of things has happened to me so far, and I can hardly follow the direction of the occurrances. I can’t see the future at all, and for the first time in my life this makes me feel excited and happy.

For the first time in my life I am not afraid of my mind. The imagination that overflows in me and overwrites my approach to the everyday life. This is the imagination I want to make reality. I cannot see it perfectly yet, I cannot grab it yet, but it’s presence is stronger than ever and finally I can feel it slowly but firmly flowing through the cracks between the world in my head and the one I am forced to live in.

The chasm has started to decrease. Something has definitely changed. Either me, or the world around me, or even both at the same time. My world is now spinning in the opposite direction and I don’t know which is the better yet.

Finally, I’ve learnt that imagination cannot be imprisoned. If you try to lock it up it will be you who ends up in the cell. Imagination is limitless but it can limit your abilities. The imaginary exists only in human mind, yet it is frequently the thing that helps people identify their own reality. Imagination is expandable, it grows into our everyday lives, affects our views and actions, thus it changes our days sometimes without us noticing it.

I found myself starting to prefer things that seem to be impossible or less easy. I subconsciously made a decision that I don’t want to live a safe but boring life, because no matter how hard I try to be safe, things that I cannot control will still happen. Probably this was the thing that freed my imagination and myself as well. And in fact, this makes me to look at the future more positively.

Because, who knows where is that very thin line between imagination and reality?

(Also, In response to The Daily Post’s daily prompt Whoa! )


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The Panic Project #4: The Doll House

The cool wind blows gently, flattering the dusty-white frills of my dress, but my fake skin cannot feel it. I am alive but there is no sound echoing in my chest. I can move my limbs, though everything is so big and far away, I cannot reach them no matter how hard I try. My breath gets quicker, though my lungs seemingly cannot get enough air in it. My chest hurts, though there is nothing in it. Only the unbearable weight of emptyness sits calmly on my shoulders. My bones would crack under it, though I can only feel the structure of a hand-made body relentlessly resisting any force.  

The whole world has become transparent and terrifyingly solid at the same time and I got lost in it. Like a huge cage, of which I cannot see or touch the cell bars.

Tears would roll down my delicate face but my shiny eyes remain as dry as a desert. When I try to speak my voice sounds like a far away whisper of a wandering stray ghost. I’m shouting but no one out there can hear me. I would run away but my short legs take me nowhere.

I am silent, sitting unmovingly with my emotionless face, deemed to ceaselessly wait for someone to take me with themselves. But who could be that someone? Who would want such a strange creature I have become?

This cannot be reality… Can it?

Next post on 4th April. Stay tuned!


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The Panic Project #3: Monsters

Crawling in the dark, he steals your most precious possessions without you noticing it.

His deformed shape sheds the most terrible shadows on the purest and most beautiful things. Even he’s walking with a drag he’s faster than her. She feels utter disgust in his presence yet he just crawls closer and closer to her and she cannot do anything about it. No matter how hard she is trying to back down he’s immediately behind her back. He let’s her feel safe for a moment as he is out of sight but as soon as she smells the rotting scent of the gnome, he stabs her right in the heart.

With the golden dagger in her chest, he lets her fall behind. While her blood fills the cracks of the stone floor like little red springs, he stands there doing nothing. And then, comes his master, the purest and most majestic yet the most obscure creature in the world. The exact opposite of the little gnome, his strong presence makes even the botched little beast be afraid.

She’s still lying on the hard and cold floor half-dead, half hearing the conversation between the two. None of them were about to help. All of a sudden, a monstrous face appears in front of her, she cannot decide if it is reality or imagination. Then, a gruff voice starts echoing in her head,

“Do you know who I am?”

Next post on 21 March. Stay tuned!


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The Panic Project #2: Forbidden Game

Dolls are mysterious creatures. They are cute and utterly scary at the same time. Little girls usually befriend them. Pure white porcelain skin and shiny glass eyes with a constant smile. They are fragile, yet the touch of them is cold and hard. They are perfect and beautiful on the surface, yet they are nothing but empty on the inside. Though, they are simple objects, salves tied to invisible strings, used by others the way their puppet masters desire, while preserving the gentle expression on their faces, they are more than ready for a soul to imprison into them.

Their souls, if they have any, are hiding behind their their sweet faces. Looking them in the eyes raises several questions. Who they are really? What may they be thinking of? What story they would tell you if they could speak? Their existence is a mere mystery in itself. But what if they have their own wills, traits and personalities?

A single, seemingly accidental, stab in the chest and our heroine is dead. But has she really died?

Imagine waking up from the worst nightmare of your life. What would you do if you realised that your heart doesn’t beat anymore yet you were somehow still alive? If, all of a sudden, you were trapped in a body that seemingly does not function at all? Would you be scared?

Next post in the category will be published on 7 March. I’ll wait for you!


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Solid Self-esteem

Way earlier me and my psychologist were talking about a self-helping book that was written with the purpose of developing solid self-confidence and esteem.

The book said, very correctly I add, that building our self-confidence and self-esteem based on other people and outside occurrences is not reasonable and won’t remain stable. For example, if I have a great job, I shouldn’t be confident solely about it because at the time I get fired or the company I worked for, let’s say twenty years or throughout my whole life, closes I may lose not only my confidence but also my purpose of life. Things like this can cause severe depression that will be hard to overcome if I stick to them too much. There were several other examples similar to this. We agreed on that the writer of the book was right on this. At least half.

Because I said, that okay he’s right, I cannot or more correctly shouldn’t base my self-confidence on such a thing because we all know nothing lasts long. But something bothered me about this idea. I told my psychologist that yeah, again it’s a good advice, but if I just sit in my room, doing nothing I won’t develop real self-confidence. Instead, I’ll unconsciously build a shell around me. Because yes, if I do nothing just sitting in my room I can have a feeling that I am confident. But it’s not real, it’s only because I am in my comfort-zone, and when I go out and meet new people I won’t have the courage to talk to them and show my real self. So, here I was stuck. My psychologist told me I hit the nail on the head. There was something wrong about that idea.

In the end, we concluded that we need to do something to create and develop our self-confidence. We do need something outsider to strengthen it. But as the book advised we shouldn’t build it on a job. That’s clear we saw the point of it. But instead, we said, we could base it on the feeling that I can/could do this job, and very well. Like the thing with hobbies. The point is not that what I do, but how I feel about it, and to this I do need some outsider effects. I just have to use them differently. The same goes for people’s opinion. Encouraging words and high statistics can and do provide us with and extra boost to our self-confidence, yet at the moment it dramatically decreases we may feel this whole stuff pointless. But that’s not true. What matters is, do I like blogging? Yes, I definitely do! 😉 It’s not that my circumstances use my self-confidence, but I use the circumstances to keep my self-confidence, or at least this is what I think.


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The Panic Project: #1 The Beginning

Whenever it comes to writing I don’t like thinking of the story as it is based on my life, experience and so on. It makes me uninterested and binds my imagination. So, even though, the Panic Project is based on my story, at first sight there will be nothing about me in it. The looks and traits of the main character, the background and so on. It is also possible that I am not even the main character but somebody else. You will only be able to find me there if you learn to read between the lines.

The very first chapter of the book is already finished (or at least I wrote it 😛 ) which is about how this whole thing started. Unintentionally, seemingly coincidentally, and by outside effects as well. A bloody start where the darkness appears and endeavours the soul, chaning the life of the main character completely. For me, it is the place where I can let the darkness inside me seen by others without fear. And this is very uplifting. 😉

I don’t want to spoil the story, but I have to tell you one thing. The doll, in that quote will have an important part. Literally or in a figurative sense, you ask? It’s a secret. 😛

That would be all for today. I hope you got interested. 😉

Next post on 21st February. Stay tuned!