Iridescent Spirits

Shelter of a constantly changing Soul.


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Things My Panic Disorder Taught Me – Writing 101 Day 2

Life in itself is a coursebook with lessons to learn. Only it becomes a bit thicker if it is coloured with a certain mental disorder. Here is a short but very consistent list on what my panic disorder taught me:

  • Even though there are problems in my life I have to solve on my own, I’m never alone.

I mean, really. This is the hardest thing to admit, right? We, humans, all love to suffer, accuse others for our misfortunes and it all goes right until we bump into someone, who desires to help without any second thoughts. Then our whole view of the world goes upside down and if we are lucky enough we can finally learn to see the bright side of life. Watch out mates, these people do exist! Thankfully 🙂

  •  Sometimes, actually most of the time, I am the only one who knows what’s the best for me.

I know, this is going a bit against the first point but this is another important lesson I’ve learnt…the hardest way. Just think about it. At times when we are inconfident we tend to ask advice even in matters that don’t really affect other people besides us. Furthermore, there is that very annoying situation when we know exactly what we should do, but since it seems harder or a bit nonsensical we may end up doing what others think is best even though it’s result will be boring or unsatisfying for us. Then we think; ‘oh man, I should’ve done what I wanted to’. Rings a bell? And when we end up in a mess not listening to our intuitions? Nope, nope. Though, I have to say, I don’t mean we should never look for advice or take care of the opinion of people around us it’s just we have to learn to make a difference between healthy selfishness and sacrifice.

  • I am my biggest critique.

Literally. Have you ever been in a situation, or I should say in such a bad period of your life when you constantly thought people around you do nothing but tease you, deceive you and even talk about you behind your back? That you were so cautious not to say anything inappropriate that you ended up like as if you weren’t even there? Because you were afraid they would take all of your words and actions in the exact opposite way you meant them? If not then you are a very lucky dude. I have and it was a horrible feeling.
It is like you always have to be en guard to be able to protect yourself because you take every little sigh, words and actions of others as a potential threat.
Thankfully by now I have managed to clear this exhausting misunderstanding that occupied my mind. Most of these thoughts were ignited by my own imagination and self-hatred. A frighteningly incontrollable menace of my own darkness.

Maybe some of these points sound familiar to you or even may help to realise and face your own problems if you have any. That would be great!
If not then thanks for your time 😉


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When I said I want to make my fairy tales reality I didn’t mean I wanted to end up as the Monster in the Forest…

I know I’ve been waaay too much away but I had my reasons. Writer’s block would be here a lame excuse and in fact this time, this is not what it’s all about.

I’ve been struggling both as an introvert and also as someone who fights mental illness secretly and all alone. It’s not enough that panic disorder and all mental illnesses are heavily stigmatized they are complex and living their own lives while creating newer and newer hardened by time problems.

One of this in my case is that heavy compulsion for conformity of mine. I’ve always been the weakest of the pack wherever I’ve been and the one who obeyed even if I didn’t want to. The other day, someone actually told me (after a few days of acquaintance) that I’m a type who can easily be used so not to be surprised if I am getting stepped on. The other thing is that I never trust anybody, so I speak the least of my personal problems, even the least ones. I am simply afraid of people, labelling me as a weenie, like they had done it so many times in the past. I am afraid that no one understands me, as even my closest people, who are well aware of my disorder, acts like as if I had no special problems, only a little of sloth and stuff like this. In fact, it became incredibly hard to live this way. I feel like I’m all alone with this struggle and sometimes I’m terribly afraid that I could go mad in any minute. I’ve picked up an extremely (and sometimes aggressively) defensive attitude, avoiding any confrontation, and being highly conscious of picking the words I say that could not be misunderstood so easily. In other words I am afraid of being myself. I feel like I am like a thin glass that could be shattered by even a gentle breeze, and I’m fed up with this.

The other day, or maybe weeks ago, I don’t know now, I found a great post shared by luckyottershaven, about sensitive people. It is a great article telling everything that needs to be known about these kind of people way better than I ever could, I highly recommend it, if you’re interested you can read it here:

“How Highly Sensitive People Interact with the World Differently”

The other thing with my high sensitivity and the one that has something to do with my decline in blogging, is that I’ve been suspecting for a while now, that I am working with a narcissist, in twelve hours a day. Most of you know well that how abusive narcissists are and if you read the article above, now you see how mentally tiring and destructive it is for me. I’m not complaining I just had to give it out. I’m tired and angry. I would be really happy if people could be more considerate towards others, not only towards people with mental illness but also towards all of us.

Because after all..

mad


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Let the Monster Out

Loss does not have to be bad. Losing of something that you had throughout a longer period of your life – or even for the most part of it – is always hard but not necessarily bad.

The reason why it is hard, it’s because that thing has grown into you so much you start fear losing it. I believe this is the same with that so-called comfort zone. Where you feel convenient, it’s a place that is peaceful and nothing bad can happen. Well, at least in theory..

The problem with the comfort-zone is the same as it’s good side; withdrawnness. It’s not only that nothing can come in, but you cannot go out of it too. Have you thought about it this way?

Locking things up in yourself can hardly be a solution to any kinds of problems, no matter what others say. The monster they warned you about. The one that can ruin your life with one movement from the very start of it. The one you were so afraid of that you closed it inside of a dark and frighteningly scary place on its own.

Just let that monster out. You cannot know what it thinks or how it feels. Also, you can never know what it will find once it finally sees the light. Maybe, you think it would only cause you harm but what if it was you who hurt that creature? Maybe that monster will be the one who answers your hardest questions. Just let it out finally.
Because, how do you know if it’s truly a monster?


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Cradle Nightmare

During dark nights, when everyone sleeps in silence, he, who comes without invitation, wakes the child. She sleeps in the cradle, though a bit bigger already, she wakes up in the middle of the night, for noises unknown. She stands up, clings onto the bars of the cradle, calls for her mom with fear, but she never comes, as she’s sound asleep in the room of the other side of the dark house.

The dark shape enters the house, takes its way to the children’s room. He slowly comes closer, the light of the moon shines through the glass of the front door, enough for the child to notice the uninvited figure but instead of making it clear to see, the moon gives him an even fearful silhouette.  The little girl trembles, cries for her parents but no one hears her.

All of the sudden, it’s silence again, in the pitch dark house, everyone’s peacefully asleep as if nothing has happened. The frightful man disappeared but the little girl cannot sleep alone for ever. Years pass by, no answers found, but during stormy nights the silhouette comes backs for his moonlit visits to scare the now adult child.

Now, the toys, that never existed, have been sitting lined up on an iron shelf, start moving at their own will. They start walking but all of their movements are staggered only to after one or two steps, they fall off the shelf lifelessly. Maybe, they were brought by the shady shape, maybe they were lined up there, in a previous life. Whichever the case is, they can never leave the shady room, of dim memoirs. Neither does the child, who is still waiting for someone to rescue her, in the cradle of frighteningly dark nights.


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Am I invisible?

Yeaaah.

No, wait.

There has always been this problem around me. Depression and stuff grew so much onto me that I usually felt I’m invisible. They didn’t notice me on the streets, usually bumped into me, and always I was the one who didn’t have place on photos. People couldn’t even memorize my name, even though it is not that complicated, and also it is kind of old, easy, and I’m really happy that I didn’t get my name after the antagonist of a popular soap opera. People usually were/are so bad at remembering my name that they usually gave me new ones, the only thing that managed to stuck into their heads was the initial ‘A’, that has always been the only thing they remembered and I got my new names based on that. Even my psychologist (can you see the irony?) had a hard time remembering my name.

I sat right in front of him and he started, “Well, dear Andrea!” I couldn’t bear it anymore so I interrupted
“It’s Adrienn!”
“Excuse me, what is it?”
“I said, it’s Adrienn!”
“Oh, alright sorry Adrienn!” Then we kept talking for a maximum of five munites without any problem. Bang!
“So, dear Anette!”
“It’s Adrienn!!”
“Oh, sorry again…”

Now I mean can you really see the irony? After that had happened I almost expected to someone eventually call me Arshole. Really, I mean they always got the ‘A’ right, and nothing else. But I had to realise that this never will happen. And as for an extra gift today I got a letter from a site I signed up with the purpose of finding a job, I checked it I still have a valid account with my full name. I have to say I hardly read their messages as they are mostly spams but something caught my attention this time:

“Dear, First Name!”

C’mon! That doesn’t even start with an ‘A’! Oh, and by the way, thanks for the another brick to build my new self on! 😉


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Petition for apology – Bipolar stigmatisation

How utterly disgusting this is..It’s one thing I was told a lot by my friends and family for my panic disorder that I’m just whining because they were unable to understand it but having loads of people on, and looking down upon the strength these illnesses require is just unacceptable. I’m so sick of this.

BY LAUREN HAYLEY

I can’t actually believe people still get away with stigmatising mental illness, and that it is then allowed to be broadcast either via radio or TV. It is disgusting and proves that there is still a lot of hard work to be done to eliminate these ignorant views.

Please sign this petition to help gain an apology from American radio host, Tom Sullivan, who mocked Bipolar Disorder on air – labelling it as ‘made up’ and ‘the latest fad’.

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It will take two minutes of your time, showing that you will not stand for these types of derogatory labels being put on the very real and painful mental illnesses that we suffer with.

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/423/911/836/

lovelauren

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Did the Viridians really disappear?

(First of all, who were the Viridians? You’ll find the answer in Aquamarine.)

Seems so but I hope not. They were kind, unique and magical people. They helped others through hard times and showed people into the direction of the light. Though, they have been destroyed by those who enjoyed their courtesy. Rings the bell? I’m not surprised.

There are people like them, unique, kind and magical. And they are those who are supressed the most. Though, they don’t live in a forest but in a concrete jungle. They hide themselves instead of standing out because of harms they suffered earlier.

I know they exist. And I also know they will come back once again. Those who cry over this world of cruelty and deceit and wants to do something about it. These people are suffering from mental diseases, heavy anxiety and so on. Yet, they don’t give up. They won’t let the hardships destroy them anymore. They won’t scatter again and won’t take the shape of shadowy leaf-people. Also, they won’t let the forest die out again.

And I want to be one of them.

I won’t let others wither away the tree of my life anymore. I’ll grow my roots stronger, strengthen my trunk and fill my branches with blossoms once again. I will dance in the sparkling forest, the symbolic representation of my soul, happily. And I will embrace the scary shadows as well. I’m sure of it. 😉

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