Iridescent Spirits

Shelter of a constantly changing Soul.


Leave a comment

The F Word

Last night I got a very uplifting message from one of my blogger friends. I have to admit we are real friends now and after talking about our everyday stuff and so on, she told me she’s missing my posts. Well, I miss them too.

To be honest, I didn’t truly disappear from WordPress. I did something worse than that. I came up, read some blog posts, liked them, and even started writing my own stuff. But then, all the great and meaningful ideas that made me writing lost their purpose. I felt that whatever I do was pointless and perfectly stupid. Unfrotunately, this was true for everything I’ve done even outside the blogosphere. I told my friend that I gave up. Not only on blogging but basically everything. I felt that I’m worthless, useless and that I’m perfectly nothing. You know, that is the most dangerous thing about depression. It can control your mind and if you let it it will eventually take the leading role of all of your life. What is more, it does it without you noticing it. Though, at the beginning you just feel something is not right but cannot really name the monster that crawled up from under your bed right into your thoughts. No matter how hard you try you cannot reveal it, because you can’t find it in it’s regular place anymore. After some point, you even may give up searching. I have to say this is one of the worst things I’ve ever done in my life.

I can remember how afraid I was when I handed in my draft of the very first story to writing class, and also I can remember how afraid I was when I published that same story on the blog I started back then. This blog I mean. I was so terrified of what people would say about what I hadwritten. I was scared they would hate it, criticise it or simply they wouldn’t understand it. But I also remember what a great relief and delight it caused me when I read the comments either here in the comments section or on the handouts I got back from my classmates.

Yes, there is something that can petrify me – all of us –  but as soon as I manage to get rid of that frozenness and follow my inner voice I will eventually get my reward for the persistence to keep on fighting. I just cannot let myself forget about this.

So, do you know now what that “F” stands for?

In the hope of meeting again soon,
Adri

Advertisements


Leave a comment

Let the Monster Out

Loss does not have to be bad. Losing of something that you had throughout a longer period of your life – or even for the most part of it – is always hard but not necessarily bad.

The reason why it is hard, it’s because that thing has grown into you so much you start fear losing it. I believe this is the same with that so-called comfort zone. Where you feel convenient, it’s a place that is peaceful and nothing bad can happen. Well, at least in theory..

The problem with the comfort-zone is the same as it’s good side; withdrawnness. It’s not only that nothing can come in, but you cannot go out of it too. Have you thought about it this way?

Locking things up in yourself can hardly be a solution to any kinds of problems, no matter what others say. The monster they warned you about. The one that can ruin your life with one movement from the very start of it. The one you were so afraid of that you closed it inside of a dark and frighteningly scary place on its own.

Just let that monster out. You cannot know what it thinks or how it feels. Also, you can never know what it will find once it finally sees the light. Maybe, you think it would only cause you harm but what if it was you who hurt that creature? Maybe that monster will be the one who answers your hardest questions. Just let it out finally.
Because, how do you know if it’s truly a monster?


3 Comments

Solid Self-esteem

Way earlier me and my psychologist were talking about a self-helping book that was written with the purpose of developing solid self-confidence and esteem.

The book said, very correctly I add, that building our self-confidence and self-esteem based on other people and outside occurrences is not reasonable and won’t remain stable. For example, if I have a great job, I shouldn’t be confident solely about it because at the time I get fired or the company I worked for, let’s say twenty years or throughout my whole life, closes I may lose not only my confidence but also my purpose of life. Things like this can cause severe depression that will be hard to overcome if I stick to them too much. There were several other examples similar to this. We agreed on that the writer of the book was right on this. At least half.

Because I said, that okay he’s right, I cannot or more correctly shouldn’t base my self-confidence on such a thing because we all know nothing lasts long. But something bothered me about this idea. I told my psychologist that yeah, again it’s a good advice, but if I just sit in my room, doing nothing I won’t develop real self-confidence. Instead, I’ll unconsciously build a shell around me. Because yes, if I do nothing just sitting in my room I can have a feeling that I am confident. But it’s not real, it’s only because I am in my comfort-zone, and when I go out and meet new people I won’t have the courage to talk to them and show my real self. So, here I was stuck. My psychologist told me I hit the nail on the head. There was something wrong about that idea.

In the end, we concluded that we need to do something to create and develop our self-confidence. We do need something outsider to strengthen it. But as the book advised we shouldn’t build it on a job. That’s clear we saw the point of it. But instead, we said, we could base it on the feeling that I can/could do this job, and very well. Like the thing with hobbies. The point is not that what I do, but how I feel about it, and to this I do need some outsider effects. I just have to use them differently. The same goes for people’s opinion. Encouraging words and high statistics can and do provide us with and extra boost to our self-confidence, yet at the moment it dramatically decreases we may feel this whole stuff pointless. But that’s not true. What matters is, do I like blogging? Yes, I definitely do! 😉 It’s not that my circumstances use my self-confidence, but I use the circumstances to keep my self-confidence, or at least this is what I think.


10 Comments

Blogging 101: Try Something You Never Did Before

The reason I mostly write stories is because through them I can gain a better knowledge about myself.

I’m currently fighting panic disorder and this is something that helps me the most. During the past few years I suppressed my feelings as nobody understood me and lots of people told me I’m just whining and imagining things. I became more and more self-constrained to an extent that in the end I managed to deceive not only people around me but even myself that everything is fine. I became emotionless, couldn’t smile truly and even wasn’t able to cry. But at university I was taught that every artwork we create, let it be music, painting, writing etc, represent our deepest fears, desires, basically the subconscious. So I began writing thanks to another university course.  But so much for the history lesson.

This post was inspired by David Long’s post A Secret in the “Self” Issues. Check out his blog what he does is awesome!

So if you are in a situation similar to mine, and you are interested in my method here are some useful tips that can come in handy.

At first, write a story, let it be long or short, fantasy or any other genre it’s up to you. Now, how to analyze them?

  • Scenery and Location: Is it deserted, dark or shining and peaceful? Do you resonate with it? How do you feel about it? For example generally, oceans and forests represent the soul of the writer, does the same go for you too?
  • Characters: What are they like? May they be based on yourself or someone you know? Do you like them? Try writing from the view of the opposite sex, it can tell you a lot about yourself. E.g. Children said to be representing innocence, purity and hope.
  • The Plot: May it refer to your current situation or even a problem you are afraid to face?

If you don’t know where to start or you feel like you are out of inspiration, you can still do it:

Make a list of places that pop into you mind and describe them. Do the same with the characters. Find a complication your character has to solve and bang it’s done! Actually, you can make a game out of this, just have some of your folks who are open-minded enough and together expand the lists mentioned above, then agree on one of all and the result will be eccentric and most likely funny, believe me! 😉

Actually, my doctor said that this is called imaginative psychotherapy. It’s funny I did something I never heard of. 😀 I have to tell I’m not a therapist, so I cannot help you analyze it but if you feel like you’d give a try to what I do, feel free to share it, I would gladly read about your experiences and discoveries, but of course it is also up to you. 🙂