Iridescent Spirits

Shelter of a constantly changing Soul.


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Things My Panic Disorder Taught Me – Writing 101 Day 2

Life in itself is a coursebook with lessons to learn. Only it becomes a bit thicker if it is coloured with a certain mental disorder. Here is a short but very consistent list on what my panic disorder taught me:

  • Even though there are problems in my life I have to solve on my own, I’m never alone.

I mean, really. This is the hardest thing to admit, right? We, humans, all love to suffer, accuse others for our misfortunes and it all goes right until we bump into someone, who desires to help without any second thoughts. Then our whole view of the world goes upside down and if we are lucky enough we can finally learn to see the bright side of life. Watch out mates, these people do exist! Thankfully 🙂

  •  Sometimes, actually most of the time, I am the only one who knows what’s the best for me.

I know, this is going a bit against the first point but this is another important lesson I’ve learnt…the hardest way. Just think about it. At times when we are inconfident we tend to ask advice even in matters that don’t really affect other people besides us. Furthermore, there is that very annoying situation when we know exactly what we should do, but since it seems harder or a bit nonsensical we may end up doing what others think is best even though it’s result will be boring or unsatisfying for us. Then we think; ‘oh man, I should’ve done what I wanted to’. Rings a bell? And when we end up in a mess not listening to our intuitions? Nope, nope. Though, I have to say, I don’t mean we should never look for advice or take care of the opinion of people around us it’s just we have to learn to make a difference between healthy selfishness and sacrifice.

  • I am my biggest critique.

Literally. Have you ever been in a situation, or I should say in such a bad period of your life when you constantly thought people around you do nothing but tease you, deceive you and even talk about you behind your back? That you were so cautious not to say anything inappropriate that you ended up like as if you weren’t even there? Because you were afraid they would take all of your words and actions in the exact opposite way you meant them? If not then you are a very lucky dude. I have and it was a horrible feeling.
It is like you always have to be en guard to be able to protect yourself because you take every little sigh, words and actions of others as a potential threat.
Thankfully by now I have managed to clear this exhausting misunderstanding that occupied my mind. Most of these thoughts were ignited by my own imagination and self-hatred. A frighteningly incontrollable menace of my own darkness.

Maybe some of these points sound familiar to you or even may help to realise and face your own problems if you have any. That would be great!
If not then thanks for your time 😉

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Togetherness of Creative, Abstract Humans suffering from Mental Illnesses

I love this one. All my thoughts and feelings here written way better than I ever could. Also, a great source of encouragement..the thing that we may be lonely, but we are not alone ❤
Promise, I’ll try my best to hold myself together and be back to the blogging world.

GentleKindness

Each of us sits alone and writes about our individual mental torment. At any given time of the night or day, there are many of us sitting at our computer writing of how we feel alone.

We write about how the others do not believe in our suffering because they cannot see it. People tend to believe what they can see and touch.

I have found that abstract minded, creative people tend to suffer from mental suffering. This is exasperated by the fact that abstract , creative people are in the minority.
As well as the fact that people with mental illness are in the minority.

Being in two minority groups puts us into a further minority. This is one of the reasons we feel so alone and misunderstood. A lot of the time, we are misunderstood by the others. We are alone in our mental suffering a lot of…

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Let the Sunshine Award in!

I really really love having (blogger) friends. ^^ They are not only there for as shoulders to cry on but also they can be a very great source of inspiration. So, I would like to thank daziigirl from UNOTAKU, who nominated me for the Sunshine Award. She is a nice and smart young lady who became one of my best friends in a pretty short while and now we even share our real life problems and anxieties out of the blogosphere too. Thanks Dear! You made my day^^ ❤

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The rules of this award are as follows:

If you have been nominated for The Sunshine Award and you choose to accept it, write a blog post about the Sunshine award in which you:

• Thank the person who nominated you.

• Answer the questions from the person who nominated you.

• Nominate a few other bloggers.

• Write the same amount of questions for the bloggers you nominated.

• Notify the bloggers on their blog.

• Put the award button on your blog.

Now here are my answers to daziigirl’s questions:

1. Name three positive and negative traits of you!

Oh, I love this question 😀 What I think of as one my positive traits would be my compassion for others, let them be people, animals or even fictional characters. Actually I could cry more easily for others than for myself. The second positve trait of myself is my patience. It is pretty hard to upset me, though sometimes I think this is the thing I can hurt myself the most with. 😀 The third one and which I am the proudest of is the different way I see the world. I cannot really pour it into words but this is the thing for I love myself the most. An extra trait of mine I cherish is my insightfulness. 🙂

Ah, and the negative ones. Definitely my tendency to overthinking, overworrying and of course that compulsion for comformity. These bind me the most and I really struggle overcoming them. It can be really hard to live like this sometimes.

2. When and why did you start blogging?

I started my blog last April for a very uhm kind of strange reason 😀 At uni I took a Fiction Writing course where we wrote stories. Now, the idea of starting a blog came to me when I unintentionally created a sequel to the story I handed in but I was thinking a lot. I thought I should have more written stories before starting a blog in order not to “drown” in the series. But then someone copied one of my ideas so I got a bit afraid of losing the originality of my idea so I hastily published those half-finished stories :”D That’s it. If you got interested you can find them here.

3. Naruto or One Piece?

Naruto. (Because I haven’t watched a single episode of One Piece 😀 yet )

4. Do you believe in fate?

Absolutely. I firmly believe we all were born to this planet with a reason and with a mission we have to carry out. Though I’m not sure what’s my job here, I do believe I’ll find it out soon. 😉

5. What are your life goals?

Well, for a while now, my biggest goal in life is to defeat my panic disorder and to get in a better relationship with myself. Also, my blog became something very important (or I should say vital) to me, and without any certain prospect I feel I should keep it doing and see what will come out of it. 🙂 Finally, letting my voice be heard. Because sometimes it’s not that people don’t want to hear me, but rather I don’t speak loud enough.

6. What is your favorite music genre and artist?

I have a very eclectic musical taste, basically I like most genres but my favourite ones are those that have meaning. These can be instrumental (remember my love for the violin?) or whatever. The point is that if they inspire me, then I love them. For years I hardly could say I have a favourite artist but now I’d say Lindsey Stirling. She not only plays the violin but had suffered from a mental illness and defeated it so besides she can inspire me the most, she’s also my role-model.

7. What can we expect from your blog in the future?

I hope I can finish both The Colour Book of Spirits and The Panic Project too. These are very important to me, one because of my inner peace and I consider the other my life-work. Besides, I hope I can make out something great and inspirational out of my experiences and views, and that sharing them could do something good to those who read it. 🙂

Okay, I’d like to nominate two blogs. I really love them, they show such strength and love in this mad world where we all struggle.

Gentle Kindness

A Momma’s View 

What I’d like to know about them:

1. Did you start your blog with a certain purpose? If yes, then did you reach it?

2. What did you gain with your blog you are the happiest for?

3. Do you believe in fate? Does it have anything to do with your blog?

4. Does blogging affect your personal life? If so, then how?

5. What would you like your blog to be known for?

6. What are your life goals?

7. What do you look for when reading another blogs?

This would be my post on The Sunshine Award. I am really thankful for the nomination, it is not only an honor to me but also gave a little inspiration back to me. 🙂 And this is priceless.

Hugs! ❤


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Shh..

shh

 

They say it a lot.

“Don’t tell anyone about it… about your life, as there are poor spirited people who feed themselves on others’ pain. Or they make use of it on your disadvantage. Just hide it, hide everything and you will be fine.”

They say it a lot.

But they never say that silence can be more harmful than knowledge.

What if they knew all about me? My past, my illness and all the things they don’t know, and all the things that make me seem strange in their eyes. My past is past. My illness is still with me. And in fact, I feel much better when someone knows about my panic disorder. I use it not as an excuse for my behaviour, but it sets me free. Once I say it out loud ‘I have panic disorder’ all my fears disappear. I stop thinking about what they think about me. They know it and they can do with that info whatever they want. I am not afraid. Maybe because most of the time people cannot say a word as they had never met the illness before.

Maybe there are situations when I shouldn’t talk about it, people that shouldn’t know about it, but to be honest, I really don’t know how they could hurt me with this knowledge. Yet, I am well aware that poor spirited people can come up with the most incredible methods of trying to tear someone down.

But I am still wondering about this; Should I remain silent under any circumstances? Or I should ask just this; Under any circumstances?


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Now that’s why She is my role-model

 

So right, so true, and I wish I could tell this my teen self. Yet there still are many many lessons to learn..

“Spread the love!”

Hugs! 🙂


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We All Are Warriors

We all have our problems, fears, duties and sometimes, no, actually pretty frequently our disorders. There are times when we all are afraid of lots of things. I told you a several times before I am usually afraid of showing my real self. There is no exception when it comes to blogging, unfortunately. There are drafts and half-written stories I am temporarily afraid to post because of the innate fear of judgement. The need to please others, remember? At times like this I like to escape to my dream world but nowadays I come back soon because I made a decision.

I decided that I want to create a better and happier future for myself. I had to realise that this decision was made more than in my mind, in my whole body, nerves and even tissues. These are that call me back from my imaginary world sooner than before. To do something, to create something, and make a better me. This is why I blog after all. I am here because I want to be here, where I happened to meet lots of people with similar problems and goals as mine. They are who give me strenght, their sole presence proving that I’m not alone. Those who try their best to rebuild themselves sometimes from ruins. The strength in these people is amazingly inspiring.

Here’s a song that always fills me up with hope and that urges me to love this half-full person who I am with all my flaws and the uniquness that my panic disorder provided me with. It can be a great thing, really. There is a good and bad side of everything, remember? Do not forget it ever.

I love the lyrics, and the video as well. Though, I’m not a big gamer myself, the symbolism in this one is pretty strong. My favourite is the fight in the clouds. Those shadows remind me of the harmful thoughts and hardships we all go trough, in other words our demons. Whenever I listen to this song I feel I have enough strength to win, to be one of the warriors I talked about.