Iridescent Spirits

Shelter of a constantly changing Soul.


Cradle Nightmare

During dark nights, when everyone sleeps in silence, he, who comes without invitation, wakes the child. She sleeps in the cradle, though a bit bigger already, she wakes up in the middle of the night, for noises unknown. She stands up, clings onto the bars of the cradle, calls for her mom with fear, but she never comes, as she’s sound asleep in the room of the other side of the dark house.

The dark shape enters the house, takes its way to the children’s room. He slowly comes closer, the light of the moon shines through the glass of the front door, enough for the child to notice the uninvited figure but instead of making it clear to see, the moon gives him an even fearful silhouette.  The little girl trembles, cries for her parents but no one hears her.

All of the sudden, it’s silence again, in the pitch dark house, everyone’s peacefully asleep as if nothing has happened. The frightful man disappeared but the little girl cannot sleep alone for ever. Years pass by, no answers found, but during stormy nights the silhouette comes backs for his moonlit visits to scare the now adult child.

Now, the toys, that never existed, have been sitting lined up on an iron shelf, start moving at their own will. They start walking but all of their movements are staggered only to after one or two steps, they fall off the shelf lifelessly. Maybe, they were brought by the shady shape, maybe they were lined up there, in a previous life. Whichever the case is, they can never leave the shady room, of dim memoirs. Neither does the child, who is still waiting for someone to rescue her, in the cradle of frighteningly dark nights.



The Panic Project #5 – Special: Meet Hugo

Talking about this  mysterious pal is one of the hardest,
Because Hugo is a character who could be understood the hardest.

He’s a simple guy, yet monstrous and disgusting.
He always appeares whenever I‘m not watching.

Despite his eldritch looks, he seems harmless,
I usually dismiss him, or I should say care more or less.

Though, he creeps ceaselessly into my mind,
Hiking on the mountains of my fantasy through day and night.

He howls, crawls, scratches and bites,
Not caring about the pain that reaches into heights,
Seeking for the sun throughout the endless skies.

These thirteen letters are my name,
Who is now the most hopeless, You or Me?

Next bit of TPP on 18th April 😉

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The Panic Project #4: The Doll House

The cool wind blows gently, flattering the dusty-white frills of my dress, but my fake skin cannot feel it. I am alive but there is no sound echoing in my chest. I can move my limbs, though everything is so big and far away, I cannot reach them no matter how hard I try. My breath gets quicker, though my lungs seemingly cannot get enough air in it. My chest hurts, though there is nothing in it. Only the unbearable weight of emptyness sits calmly on my shoulders. My bones would crack under it, though I can only feel the structure of a hand-made body relentlessly resisting any force.  

The whole world has become transparent and terrifyingly solid at the same time and I got lost in it. Like a huge cage, of which I cannot see or touch the cell bars.

Tears would roll down my delicate face but my shiny eyes remain as dry as a desert. When I try to speak my voice sounds like a far away whisper of a wandering stray ghost. I’m shouting but no one out there can hear me. I would run away but my short legs take me nowhere.

I am silent, sitting unmovingly with my emotionless face, deemed to ceaselessly wait for someone to take me with themselves. But who could be that someone? Who would want such a strange creature I have become?

This cannot be reality… Can it?

Next post on 4th April. Stay tuned!


The Panic Project #3: Monsters

Crawling in the dark, he steals your most precious possessions without you noticing it.

His deformed shape sheds the most terrible shadows on the purest and most beautiful things. Even he’s walking with a drag he’s faster than her. She feels utter disgust in his presence yet he just crawls closer and closer to her and she cannot do anything about it. No matter how hard she is trying to back down he’s immediately behind her back. He let’s her feel safe for a moment as he is out of sight but as soon as she smells the rotting scent of the gnome, he stabs her right in the heart.

With the golden dagger in her chest, he lets her fall behind. While her blood fills the cracks of the stone floor like little red springs, he stands there doing nothing. And then, comes his master, the purest and most majestic yet the most obscure creature in the world. The exact opposite of the little gnome, his strong presence makes even the botched little beast be afraid.

She’s still lying on the hard and cold floor half-dead, half hearing the conversation between the two. None of them were about to help. All of a sudden, a monstrous face appears in front of her, she cannot decide if it is reality or imagination. Then, a gruff voice starts echoing in her head,

“Do you know who I am?”

Next post on 21 March. Stay tuned!


The Panic Project #2: Forbidden Game

Dolls are mysterious creatures. They are cute and utterly scary at the same time. Little girls usually befriend them. Pure white porcelain skin and shiny glass eyes with a constant smile. They are fragile, yet the touch of them is cold and hard. They are perfect and beautiful on the surface, yet they are nothing but empty on the inside. Though, they are simple objects, salves tied to invisible strings, used by others the way their puppet masters desire, while preserving the gentle expression on their faces, they are more than ready for a soul to imprison into them.

Their souls, if they have any, are hiding behind their their sweet faces. Looking them in the eyes raises several questions. Who they are really? What may they be thinking of? What story they would tell you if they could speak? Their existence is a mere mystery in itself. But what if they have their own wills, traits and personalities?

A single, seemingly accidental, stab in the chest and our heroine is dead. But has she really died?

Imagine waking up from the worst nightmare of your life. What would you do if you realised that your heart doesn’t beat anymore yet you were somehow still alive? If, all of a sudden, you were trapped in a body that seemingly does not function at all? Would you be scared?

Next post in the category will be published on 7 March. I’ll wait for you!


Dead End or Happy End

This post is dedicated to my newest friend Annie. Well, at least the first part of it. 😛

I’ve just finished watching Mirai Nikki (Future Diary) based on your advise and Oh…My…God!

For those who are not familiar with it, it is a survival game where twelve people have their diaries foretelling the future. They have to fight each other to death and the last one standing would inherit the throne of Deus Ex Machina, the god of time and place. And I am a huge anime fan. 😛

It is really amazing as you said so, I couldn’t guess what would happen in the next moment. The plot itself is awesome, complicated but not too much, exactly as it should be. I think, I could never come up with such a great story :/ but who knows, right? 😉

The character of Yuno was interesting to me till the very end (but my favourite was Minene) yet Yuno made me a bit scared sometimes. Not because of  the butchery she carried out but because of her her sole mental state. That unstable, sometimes extremely cute and sometimes completely mad teenager girl. Yet, it is understandable after all she went through. All in all, I loved the show, thank you for your advice. 🙂

Why I was scared sometimes is that I tend to be afraid of getting mad. Yet, this fear is one of the most frequent symptomps of panic disorder and my doctor said my desire for getting better is way stronger than the illness. Last time, she actually told me that basically I don’t have any problem on my own, but all those things I went through made me ill. True, I had a hard childhood, just like so many other people. I am pretty sensitive and empathetic, so that sometimes I feel sad instead of someone else. So basically, we could say that my doctor was right. True, if I spend most of my time with certain people I tend to take over some of their traits while preserving my own, just like so many other people. And it’s also true that my circumstances shaped me to be who I am today, again, just like so many other people. But saying that I am the victim of the circumstances would be harsh and not necessarily true. I would never say such a thing. Because there’s reason behind it. I can say lots of things that I’m thankful for, I gained while going through my hardships.

So, based on the start of this post, if you asked me if I’d like to know my future I’d say yes. But if you asked me if I REALLY wanna know my future I’d say no. Why? Because if I knew it will be something great and happy then there’s a chance that I get convenient and satisfied and this way not working hard to make my life better. While on the other hand, if it’s something desperate and hopeless, that would make me stressed and bind me to an extent that I would unintentionally drive myself to that wrong direction. So all in all, I can’t see a good thing in knowing my future.

Actually, this is why I don’t have a strict schedule about which day I am going to post and about what. I just don’t like it. There are my everyday duties I have to fulfill in time but this blog is about me and I would like it to be something that can set me free. I’d like to take my time to find out what I really want and also I’d like to enjoy myself. I look for happiness, without any concrete goal right now. Because life itself is a survival game, and I want a happy end. 🙂



The Panic Project: #1 The Beginning

Whenever it comes to writing I don’t like thinking of the story as it is based on my life, experience and so on. It makes me uninterested and binds my imagination. So, even though, the Panic Project is based on my story, at first sight there will be nothing about me in it. The looks and traits of the main character, the background and so on. It is also possible that I am not even the main character but somebody else. You will only be able to find me there if you learn to read between the lines.

The very first chapter of the book is already finished (or at least I wrote it 😛 ) which is about how this whole thing started. Unintentionally, seemingly coincidentally, and by outside effects as well. A bloody start where the darkness appears and endeavours the soul, chaning the life of the main character completely. For me, it is the place where I can let the darkness inside me seen by others without fear. And this is very uplifting. 😉

I don’t want to spoil the story, but I have to tell you one thing. The doll, in that quote will have an important part. Literally or in a figurative sense, you ask? It’s a secret. 😛

That would be all for today. I hope you got interested. 😉

Next post on 21st February. Stay tuned!