Iridescent Spirits

Shelter of a constantly changing Soul.


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Things My Panic Disorder Taught Me – Writing 101 Day 2

Life in itself is a coursebook with lessons to learn. Only it becomes a bit thicker if it is coloured with a certain mental disorder. Here is a short but very consistent list on what my panic disorder taught me:

  • Even though there are problems in my life I have to solve on my own, I’m never alone.

I mean, really. This is the hardest thing to admit, right? We, humans, all love to suffer, accuse others for our misfortunes and it all goes right until we bump into someone, who desires to help without any second thoughts. Then our whole view of the world goes upside down and if we are lucky enough we can finally learn to see the bright side of life. Watch out mates, these people do exist! Thankfully 🙂

  •  Sometimes, actually most of the time, I am the only one who knows what’s the best for me.

I know, this is going a bit against the first point but this is another important lesson I’ve learnt…the hardest way. Just think about it. At times when we are inconfident we tend to ask advice even in matters that don’t really affect other people besides us. Furthermore, there is that very annoying situation when we know exactly what we should do, but since it seems harder or a bit nonsensical we may end up doing what others think is best even though it’s result will be boring or unsatisfying for us. Then we think; ‘oh man, I should’ve done what I wanted to’. Rings a bell? And when we end up in a mess not listening to our intuitions? Nope, nope. Though, I have to say, I don’t mean we should never look for advice or take care of the opinion of people around us it’s just we have to learn to make a difference between healthy selfishness and sacrifice.

  • I am my biggest critique.

Literally. Have you ever been in a situation, or I should say in such a bad period of your life when you constantly thought people around you do nothing but tease you, deceive you and even talk about you behind your back? That you were so cautious not to say anything inappropriate that you ended up like as if you weren’t even there? Because you were afraid they would take all of your words and actions in the exact opposite way you meant them? If not then you are a very lucky dude. I have and it was a horrible feeling.
It is like you always have to be en guard to be able to protect yourself because you take every little sigh, words and actions of others as a potential threat.
Thankfully by now I have managed to clear this exhausting misunderstanding that occupied my mind. Most of these thoughts were ignited by my own imagination and self-hatred. A frighteningly incontrollable menace of my own darkness.

Maybe some of these points sound familiar to you or even may help to realise and face your own problems if you have any. That would be great!
If not then thanks for your time 😉


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A Little Bit of IridEssence

I’ve always had a pretty peculiar relationship with music. Ever since I was a child I liked classical music, especially the sound of violin, and it has never ceased to cause me goosebumps. I especially like instrumental music. That provides me with freedom and enlivens my whole existence. Whenever I listen to a song I love my brain becomes clear and the pain of the sometimes grievous real world disappears and only me and my imagination exist. My brain immediately starts creating colourful pictures irrispectively of where I heard that certain song or what music video it has. It urges, encourages and helps me tell my story.

All in all, music is what inspires me the most. Not only does it provide me with inspiration but also it is the biggest source of energy of mine. Whenever I feel sad, powerless or worn out, I hit the play button, the key to my imagination, and I disappear into my very own, safe and hidden world, which however dark can be never fails to fill me with light.

Now, let me present you with a little piece of my Imaginary World. 🙂

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My Iridescent Spirit

Actually, I started this blog in a haste. I had no idea what I wanted it to be, the name of it came concerning the stories I wanted to post. In the beginning it had nothing to do with myself, or at least I thought so.

About a year ago, if someone asked me who I was, or describe myself with a few words, I couldn’t have said anything. Really, anything at all. At that time, my primary goal, before I thought about starting a blog, was to clear away the shadow I was, depending on others, and step out from invisibility.

Ever since I was a child I created little seeds of stories inside my mind, accessible to nobody, and let them blossom. I never wrote down anything, instead I used this to escape from reality.

As time went by, instead of filling my life with happy and exciting memories I became more self-constrained and kept losing my friends. I became more afraid of people than ever. I spent more and more time within my inner world and eventually I became frightened because I realised that that won’t do any good to me. I had to maintain a real life, I had obligations and duties I couldn’t fulfil until I stepped out from the imaginary world. But I didn’t want to abandon it completely so I thought instead of erasing it I should make it as real as possible.

I wanted my people whom I loved and sometimes feared to be real. I wanted them to talk I wanted to know more about their stories as well and so on. Also, I wanted to show others like me that they are not alone, and I needed to feel that I am not alone as well.

To tell the truth, I’ve never been good at speaking my mind with exact words that’s why I decided that I was going to post fantasy stories. They also provided a safer way of exposing myself since they can be interpreted in many ways and not everyone could understand the real meaning behind them. Symbolism is awesome, isn’t it? 😉

As I progressed with the stories, I finally realised that they are all about me, stuff I was afraid facing and tried to hide even from myself. I also became more confident about those stories. Not because I think they are that great but because I gradually lost that innate fear of people’s opinions. Instead of fear, now I feel excitement and I began to like my stories even more. I also think I began to like myself a little more as well. That’s me after all, even with the darker spots of my soul.

Although, I am still not sure who I am, I found something that makes me unique and I became more self-conscious. The dreams and desires I abandoned, are gradually coming back as an inner voice, and I have a strong feeling that I have to follow it. I want to regain that cheerful, everyone-loving girl I used to be. And I feel I’m on the good way to achieve it with this blog. It teaches me several things about myself and helps me clearing my thoughts and spirit. I am really thankful and I haven’t been as happy as I am right now for a long time.

Finally, I strongly believe that in this world there are no coincidences. And when I think of my blog and self-discoveries and even this very assignment, my belief has just been proven. 🙂

Hugs! ❤