Iridescent Spirits

Shelter of a constantly changing Soul.


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Regrets – Writing 101 Day 3

Though I’m pretty young, I already have many regrets. For example the thing that I wasn’t confident enough when in my childhood I wanted to learn to play the violin and (only) one teacher said no. I regret not being able to stand up for myself despite the fact that I knew very well what I wanted and what my spirit needed. After all, almost twenty years later my love for the beautiful sound of the violin is still as strong as it used to be, if not stronger. I think, now I would be someone different, richer in spirit if that didn’t happen to me. Sometimes I even think I wouldn’t suffer from panic disorder either. I also regret abandoning playing the piano on a sudden whim that ‘it’s not violin’. There was a time when I felt I would start my life all over again just because of these.

Although, I firmly believe that everything has its own reason. 

I believe there is a point of all the struggles I had to went through and what I am going through even right now. There is a meaning behind my own inconfidence that made me losing my path. There is also a meaning behind the uncertainity and the constant urge to do something valuable that would not let me rest and sit patiently waiting for a miracle that would never happen on its own. For some reason, I had to switch my road to a rough one to finally find, by travelling longer, what I was created for. I believe I need(ed) all the pain to learn how to appreciate myself and more importantly, learn how to listen to the inner voice that is never wrong.

And last but not least it is important to learn to let go all of the fears and those exact inconfidences that were and still are present in my life. To let go all of the anxiety, the pressure I subconsciously put on myself and everything that binds me, prevents me from being myself hiding behind the well-made mask of panic disorder.

So, in the end do I regret all these things I listed above? Sometimes I still do, after all I’m just a human too.


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The F Word

Last night I got a very uplifting message from one of my blogger friends. I have to admit we are real friends now and after talking about our everyday stuff and so on, she told me she’s missing my posts. Well, I miss them too.

To be honest, I didn’t truly disappear from WordPress. I did something worse than that. I came up, read some blog posts, liked them, and even started writing my own stuff. But then, all the great and meaningful ideas that made me writing lost their purpose. I felt that whatever I do was pointless and perfectly stupid. Unfrotunately, this was true for everything I’ve done even outside the blogosphere. I told my friend that I gave up. Not only on blogging but basically everything. I felt that I’m worthless, useless and that I’m perfectly nothing. You know, that is the most dangerous thing about depression. It can control your mind and if you let it it will eventually take the leading role of all of your life. What is more, it does it without you noticing it. Though, at the beginning you just feel something is not right but cannot really name the monster that crawled up from under your bed right into your thoughts. No matter how hard you try you cannot reveal it, because you can’t find it in it’s regular place anymore. After some point, you even may give up searching. I have to say this is one of the worst things I’ve ever done in my life.

I can remember how afraid I was when I handed in my draft of the very first story to writing class, and also I can remember how afraid I was when I published that same story on the blog I started back then. This blog I mean. I was so terrified of what people would say about what I hadwritten. I was scared they would hate it, criticise it or simply they wouldn’t understand it. But I also remember what a great relief and delight it caused me when I read the comments either here in the comments section or on the handouts I got back from my classmates.

Yes, there is something that can petrify me – all of us –  but as soon as I manage to get rid of that frozenness and follow my inner voice I will eventually get my reward for the persistence to keep on fighting. I just cannot let myself forget about this.

So, do you know now what that “F” stands for?

In the hope of meeting again soon,
Adri


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Let the Sunshine Award in!

I really really love having (blogger) friends. ^^ They are not only there for as shoulders to cry on but also they can be a very great source of inspiration. So, I would like to thank daziigirl from UNOTAKU, who nominated me for the Sunshine Award. She is a nice and smart young lady who became one of my best friends in a pretty short while and now we even share our real life problems and anxieties out of the blogosphere too. Thanks Dear! You made my day^^ ❤

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The rules of this award are as follows:

If you have been nominated for The Sunshine Award and you choose to accept it, write a blog post about the Sunshine award in which you:

• Thank the person who nominated you.

• Answer the questions from the person who nominated you.

• Nominate a few other bloggers.

• Write the same amount of questions for the bloggers you nominated.

• Notify the bloggers on their blog.

• Put the award button on your blog.

Now here are my answers to daziigirl’s questions:

1. Name three positive and negative traits of you!

Oh, I love this question 😀 What I think of as one my positive traits would be my compassion for others, let them be people, animals or even fictional characters. Actually I could cry more easily for others than for myself. The second positve trait of myself is my patience. It is pretty hard to upset me, though sometimes I think this is the thing I can hurt myself the most with. 😀 The third one and which I am the proudest of is the different way I see the world. I cannot really pour it into words but this is the thing for I love myself the most. An extra trait of mine I cherish is my insightfulness. 🙂

Ah, and the negative ones. Definitely my tendency to overthinking, overworrying and of course that compulsion for comformity. These bind me the most and I really struggle overcoming them. It can be really hard to live like this sometimes.

2. When and why did you start blogging?

I started my blog last April for a very uhm kind of strange reason 😀 At uni I took a Fiction Writing course where we wrote stories. Now, the idea of starting a blog came to me when I unintentionally created a sequel to the story I handed in but I was thinking a lot. I thought I should have more written stories before starting a blog in order not to “drown” in the series. But then someone copied one of my ideas so I got a bit afraid of losing the originality of my idea so I hastily published those half-finished stories :”D That’s it. If you got interested you can find them here.

3. Naruto or One Piece?

Naruto. (Because I haven’t watched a single episode of One Piece 😀 yet )

4. Do you believe in fate?

Absolutely. I firmly believe we all were born to this planet with a reason and with a mission we have to carry out. Though I’m not sure what’s my job here, I do believe I’ll find it out soon. 😉

5. What are your life goals?

Well, for a while now, my biggest goal in life is to defeat my panic disorder and to get in a better relationship with myself. Also, my blog became something very important (or I should say vital) to me, and without any certain prospect I feel I should keep it doing and see what will come out of it. 🙂 Finally, letting my voice be heard. Because sometimes it’s not that people don’t want to hear me, but rather I don’t speak loud enough.

6. What is your favorite music genre and artist?

I have a very eclectic musical taste, basically I like most genres but my favourite ones are those that have meaning. These can be instrumental (remember my love for the violin?) or whatever. The point is that if they inspire me, then I love them. For years I hardly could say I have a favourite artist but now I’d say Lindsey Stirling. She not only plays the violin but had suffered from a mental illness and defeated it so besides she can inspire me the most, she’s also my role-model.

7. What can we expect from your blog in the future?

I hope I can finish both The Colour Book of Spirits and The Panic Project too. These are very important to me, one because of my inner peace and I consider the other my life-work. Besides, I hope I can make out something great and inspirational out of my experiences and views, and that sharing them could do something good to those who read it. 🙂

Okay, I’d like to nominate two blogs. I really love them, they show such strength and love in this mad world where we all struggle.

Gentle Kindness

A Momma’s View 

What I’d like to know about them:

1. Did you start your blog with a certain purpose? If yes, then did you reach it?

2. What did you gain with your blog you are the happiest for?

3. Do you believe in fate? Does it have anything to do with your blog?

4. Does blogging affect your personal life? If so, then how?

5. What would you like your blog to be known for?

6. What are your life goals?

7. What do you look for when reading another blogs?

This would be my post on The Sunshine Award. I am really thankful for the nomination, it is not only an honor to me but also gave a little inspiration back to me. 🙂 And this is priceless.

Hugs! ❤


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Let the Monster Out

Loss does not have to be bad. Losing of something that you had throughout a longer period of your life – or even for the most part of it – is always hard but not necessarily bad.

The reason why it is hard, it’s because that thing has grown into you so much you start fear losing it. I believe this is the same with that so-called comfort zone. Where you feel convenient, it’s a place that is peaceful and nothing bad can happen. Well, at least in theory..

The problem with the comfort-zone is the same as it’s good side; withdrawnness. It’s not only that nothing can come in, but you cannot go out of it too. Have you thought about it this way?

Locking things up in yourself can hardly be a solution to any kinds of problems, no matter what others say. The monster they warned you about. The one that can ruin your life with one movement from the very start of it. The one you were so afraid of that you closed it inside of a dark and frighteningly scary place on its own.

Just let that monster out. You cannot know what it thinks or how it feels. Also, you can never know what it will find once it finally sees the light. Maybe, you think it would only cause you harm but what if it was you who hurt that creature? Maybe that monster will be the one who answers your hardest questions. Just let it out finally.
Because, how do you know if it’s truly a monster?


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Happy Birthday, Iridescent Spirits!

Exactly a year ago, on 6th April 2014 I started my blog. Oh my God a year has gone away :O

In 2014, I only had two short stories written for a seminar, and though I had been thinking about starting a blog way before, I was waiting to have more content. Even the name popped into my mind in a rush, but interestingly it turned out that I possibly couldn’t come up with a better and more meaningful one.

I’ll be honest, I had no idea what I was going to write about regularly, and true, at first I thought I would only post stories written by me, that has never been something I could do (and finish) within a few hours, every day.

Also, last year, around this time, I’ve had learnt for sure that I have panic disorder and that was also the time when I’ve decided to start therapy. Along with my blog, I’m sure that was one of my best decisions.

Anyways, April 2014 was a very deciding month of my my life. It was easy, concerning that I was going to university, I had a stable schedule and I could think of my blog, and my life was flowing in a stable direction. Yet, it was hard, I had my illness, I was angry and shocked when during every single sessions with my psychologist, I’ve learnt newer problems I had to solve but had absolutely no idea how. The problems in me were constantly piling up and I couldn’t see what was inside of me, and even an expert couldn’t find a way to help. I was devastated. I remember my psychologist once said “Just be yourself!” and my answer was okay but how?

Well, I don’t know if in the last year I have managed to learn how to be myself but Iridescent Spirits has helped me a lot, Actually, after the start I was a bit afraid. At first, it seemed like my personality had cracked into two separate parts. One was present in my “real” life, the anxious, depressed and extremely shy one, and my iridescent one, that appeared on my blog, who wasn’t that afraid to expose herself. I didn’t know which one was the real, and I was afraid that this would never change. But slowly, yet firmly, the blogger me started to rise, without me noticing it. The whole situation was exactly like when a little child learns how to walk.

With this, my life took a 180° turn as well. Daily challenges became harder, now there wasn’t university, but a job with a hectic schedule. Family losses, diseases and no time to spend meaningfully. Yet, things inside of me became clearer and the ceaseless anxiety in me has finally started to ease. Desires from my past, I tossed away because of fear are getting stronger and now the only problem is the lack of time not the huge and scary obstacle put up by fear. And all of this could happen thanks to my blog and WordPress.

All in all, I love my blog, and I thought it deserves to be celebrated on this very important day. 🙂 I don’t know where I would be now without Iridescent Spirits. It is not only my shelter, it became my best friend, my island of peace and the place of acceptance. I would love to thank Everybody who joined me on this wild ride and I wish many more years like this.^^

Happy 1st Birthday Iridescent Spirits!

hbis


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2Q15

(Have you read 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami? If not, then, even I have only finished the first book yet, I wholeheartedly recommend it.)

Yesterday was the first day of spring. The beginning of something new. The nature comes to life again, new plants begin growing and people start flowing out to the streets more often, as a result of the finally sunny weather.

Though, it’s only the third month of the year, lots of things has happened to me so far, and I can hardly follow the direction of the occurrances. I can’t see the future at all, and for the first time in my life this makes me feel excited and happy.

For the first time in my life I am not afraid of my mind. The imagination that overflows in me and overwrites my approach to the everyday life. This is the imagination I want to make reality. I cannot see it perfectly yet, I cannot grab it yet, but it’s presence is stronger than ever and finally I can feel it slowly but firmly flowing through the cracks between the world in my head and the one I am forced to live in.

The chasm has started to decrease. Something has definitely changed. Either me, or the world around me, or even both at the same time. My world is now spinning in the opposite direction and I don’t know which is the better yet.

Finally, I’ve learnt that imagination cannot be imprisoned. If you try to lock it up it will be you who ends up in the cell. Imagination is limitless but it can limit your abilities. The imaginary exists only in human mind, yet it is frequently the thing that helps people identify their own reality. Imagination is expandable, it grows into our everyday lives, affects our views and actions, thus it changes our days sometimes without us noticing it.

I found myself starting to prefer things that seem to be impossible or less easy. I subconsciously made a decision that I don’t want to live a safe but boring life, because no matter how hard I try to be safe, things that I cannot control will still happen. Probably this was the thing that freed my imagination and myself as well. And in fact, this makes me to look at the future more positively.

Because, who knows where is that very thin line between imagination and reality?

(Also, In response to The Daily Post’s daily prompt Whoa! )


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Monday Monkey and the Year of the Goat

I am a Goat, no wait, that didn’t sound that ridiculous in my head. I was born in the Year of the Goat according to the Chinese horoscope.

On the very first day in this new year, exactly 20 February, my prayers were heard by someone and I goat got! a job! Yay! *-*

Yep, I got it on Friday, and I’m telling you only now! I know I’ve been bad, but to tell the truth, it is not only that I was afraid of shouting my luck away but also because recently I got a little out of inspiration.

Probably, or I think so, this is because I started living my life out of my head. I don’t only dream and create my world only inside my head but I’ve actually started living it. I am blogging, instead of locking everything up inside me, and I found job, because I (had and) wanted to. These are pretty great for me, I know, but I have to say, I feel a little lost now. I didn’t lose interest in writing my stories I just find it a little bit diffcult now. But I think as soon as I get used to the job, I will be quite the same again.

No, no. I’m not depressed, I am just exhausted. I was lucky enough to have the chance to study my job before I actually start it and it turned out – okay I’ve always known it – that I’m really bad at multi-tasking. I’m not a smart phone after all, and besides my phone is one the dumbest ones. But the point is that I’m certain I’m going to do the job well, while somehow manage to go on with my blog. It’s not that I won’t have time to write, but I possibly won’t have time to think. At least for a while.

I wasn’t about to post anything today but I just bumped into this quotation, and okay, let it speak for itself:

“Successful people are those, who not only do their job great, but also they are doing it when they don’t fell like it and even when others can’t see them.”

Emil Tonk (Translation by me)

Basically, this is what reminded me that I love blogging, and it works as a therapy for me better than anything else, and even if I feel a little bit stuck it doesn’t mean that I should end it. That option didn’t even popped into my mind! It only means that I have to try out something different that would fresh it, and also myself, up.

*jumping around the room out of happiness* Is it really Monday?