Iridescent Spirits

Shelter of a constantly changing Soul.


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Things My Panic Disorder Taught Me – Writing 101 Day 2

Life in itself is a coursebook with lessons to learn. Only it becomes a bit thicker if it is coloured with a certain mental disorder. Here is a short but very consistent list on what my panic disorder taught me:

  • Even though there are problems in my life I have to solve on my own, I’m never alone.

I mean, really. This is the hardest thing to admit, right? We, humans, all love to suffer, accuse others for our misfortunes and it all goes right until we bump into someone, who desires to help without any second thoughts. Then our whole view of the world goes upside down and if we are lucky enough we can finally learn to see the bright side of life. Watch out mates, these people do exist! Thankfully 🙂

  •  Sometimes, actually most of the time, I am the only one who knows what’s the best for me.

I know, this is going a bit against the first point but this is another important lesson I’ve learnt…the hardest way. Just think about it. At times when we are inconfident we tend to ask advice even in matters that don’t really affect other people besides us. Furthermore, there is that very annoying situation when we know exactly what we should do, but since it seems harder or a bit nonsensical we may end up doing what others think is best even though it’s result will be boring or unsatisfying for us. Then we think; ‘oh man, I should’ve done what I wanted to’. Rings a bell? And when we end up in a mess not listening to our intuitions? Nope, nope. Though, I have to say, I don’t mean we should never look for advice or take care of the opinion of people around us it’s just we have to learn to make a difference between healthy selfishness and sacrifice.

  • I am my biggest critique.

Literally. Have you ever been in a situation, or I should say in such a bad period of your life when you constantly thought people around you do nothing but tease you, deceive you and even talk about you behind your back? That you were so cautious not to say anything inappropriate that you ended up like as if you weren’t even there? Because you were afraid they would take all of your words and actions in the exact opposite way you meant them? If not then you are a very lucky dude. I have and it was a horrible feeling.
It is like you always have to be en guard to be able to protect yourself because you take every little sigh, words and actions of others as a potential threat.
Thankfully by now I have managed to clear this exhausting misunderstanding that occupied my mind. Most of these thoughts were ignited by my own imagination and self-hatred. A frighteningly incontrollable menace of my own darkness.

Maybe some of these points sound familiar to you or even may help to realise and face your own problems if you have any. That would be great!
If not then thanks for your time 😉

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To myself and my fellow sufferrers of Compulsion for Comformity

Just kill that demon, we can do it!

“If you do anything out of the ordinary, you can be sure someone, somewhere, will get upset,”

(Tamaru, 1Q84, book three by Haruki Murakami)

And remember if they are upset, it’s their problem, not ours! 😉

Hugs ❤


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Let the Monster Out

Loss does not have to be bad. Losing of something that you had throughout a longer period of your life – or even for the most part of it – is always hard but not necessarily bad.

The reason why it is hard, it’s because that thing has grown into you so much you start fear losing it. I believe this is the same with that so-called comfort zone. Where you feel convenient, it’s a place that is peaceful and nothing bad can happen. Well, at least in theory..

The problem with the comfort-zone is the same as it’s good side; withdrawnness. It’s not only that nothing can come in, but you cannot go out of it too. Have you thought about it this way?

Locking things up in yourself can hardly be a solution to any kinds of problems, no matter what others say. The monster they warned you about. The one that can ruin your life with one movement from the very start of it. The one you were so afraid of that you closed it inside of a dark and frighteningly scary place on its own.

Just let that monster out. You cannot know what it thinks or how it feels. Also, you can never know what it will find once it finally sees the light. Maybe, you think it would only cause you harm but what if it was you who hurt that creature? Maybe that monster will be the one who answers your hardest questions. Just let it out finally.
Because, how do you know if it’s truly a monster?


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Confidence

Perfectly written, amazingly true and nice thoughts! Love this.

galesmind

confidence Lucy

We all want people to think well of us that is why we stay clean, wear decent clothes and try to act in a socially acceptable way. The truth is what matters is how we see ourselves. Others opinions are just that. Opinions. Be your unique self and revel in it. There will never ever be another you. It took me over half a century to realize that and I am enjoying every damn minute. Try it you will like it.

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Blogging 101: Try Something You Never Did Before

The reason I mostly write stories is because through them I can gain a better knowledge about myself.

I’m currently fighting panic disorder and this is something that helps me the most. During the past few years I suppressed my feelings as nobody understood me and lots of people told me I’m just whining and imagining things. I became more and more self-constrained to an extent that in the end I managed to deceive not only people around me but even myself that everything is fine. I became emotionless, couldn’t smile truly and even wasn’t able to cry. But at university I was taught that every artwork we create, let it be music, painting, writing etc, represent our deepest fears, desires, basically the subconscious. So I began writing thanks to another university course.  But so much for the history lesson.

This post was inspired by David Long’s post A Secret in the “Self” Issues. Check out his blog what he does is awesome!

So if you are in a situation similar to mine, and you are interested in my method here are some useful tips that can come in handy.

At first, write a story, let it be long or short, fantasy or any other genre it’s up to you. Now, how to analyze them?

  • Scenery and Location: Is it deserted, dark or shining and peaceful? Do you resonate with it? How do you feel about it? For example generally, oceans and forests represent the soul of the writer, does the same go for you too?
  • Characters: What are they like? May they be based on yourself or someone you know? Do you like them? Try writing from the view of the opposite sex, it can tell you a lot about yourself. E.g. Children said to be representing innocence, purity and hope.
  • The Plot: May it refer to your current situation or even a problem you are afraid to face?

If you don’t know where to start or you feel like you are out of inspiration, you can still do it:

Make a list of places that pop into you mind and describe them. Do the same with the characters. Find a complication your character has to solve and bang it’s done! Actually, you can make a game out of this, just have some of your folks who are open-minded enough and together expand the lists mentioned above, then agree on one of all and the result will be eccentric and most likely funny, believe me! 😉

Actually, my doctor said that this is called imaginative psychotherapy. It’s funny I did something I never heard of. 😀 I have to tell I’m not a therapist, so I cannot help you analyze it but if you feel like you’d give a try to what I do, feel free to share it, I would gladly read about your experiences and discoveries, but of course it is also up to you. 🙂