Iridescent Spirits

Shelter of a constantly changing Soul.


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The Space to Write – Writing 101 Day 6

Actually there’s nothing interesting about the place where I write.  It usually happens in the refreshing solace of my bedroom sitting on the bed with the laptop in my laps.

I like silence pretty much though when it comes to writing it depends on the form of what I create. If it’s something fiction I like listening to music that ignites my imagination. Besides annihilating noises I prefer if there’s no one around me. Probably this is because of my anxiety but I realised that I’m more axious and it’s harder to gather my thoughts if people are present during the creative process.
And here comes the twist. Since I started working I can rarely enjoy the calmness of my beloved bedroom. Now I hardly have free-time and when I do sometimes I prefer emptying my mind. Other times I am forced to write my blogposts or fragments of stories at my workplace which is like this:

image

Repetitive music is buzzing constantly in the background, people come and go and I have to interact with them, which can break the creative flow pretty easily. So this is the least ideal place for someone like me to write.

Even now, I said ‘Hello’ and picked up the phone at least two hundred times while I wrote these approximately two hundred words within two hours if not more. But that’s already a progress!
As people in my country say: The palm tree grows under pressure. 😉

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When I said I want to make my fairy tales reality I didn’t mean I wanted to end up as the Monster in the Forest…

I know I’ve been waaay too much away but I had my reasons. Writer’s block would be here a lame excuse and in fact this time, this is not what it’s all about.

I’ve been struggling both as an introvert and also as someone who fights mental illness secretly and all alone. It’s not enough that panic disorder and all mental illnesses are heavily stigmatized they are complex and living their own lives while creating newer and newer hardened by time problems.

One of this in my case is that heavy compulsion for conformity of mine. I’ve always been the weakest of the pack wherever I’ve been and the one who obeyed even if I didn’t want to. The other day, someone actually told me (after a few days of acquaintance) that I’m a type who can easily be used so not to be surprised if I am getting stepped on. The other thing is that I never trust anybody, so I speak the least of my personal problems, even the least ones. I am simply afraid of people, labelling me as a weenie, like they had done it so many times in the past. I am afraid that no one understands me, as even my closest people, who are well aware of my disorder, acts like as if I had no special problems, only a little of sloth and stuff like this. In fact, it became incredibly hard to live this way. I feel like I’m all alone with this struggle and sometimes I’m terribly afraid that I could go mad in any minute. I’ve picked up an extremely (and sometimes aggressively) defensive attitude, avoiding any confrontation, and being highly conscious of picking the words I say that could not be misunderstood so easily. In other words I am afraid of being myself. I feel like I am like a thin glass that could be shattered by even a gentle breeze, and I’m fed up with this.

The other day, or maybe weeks ago, I don’t know now, I found a great post shared by luckyottershaven, about sensitive people. It is a great article telling everything that needs to be known about these kind of people way better than I ever could, I highly recommend it, if you’re interested you can read it here:

“How Highly Sensitive People Interact with the World Differently”

The other thing with my high sensitivity and the one that has something to do with my decline in blogging, is that I’ve been suspecting for a while now, that I am working with a narcissist, in twelve hours a day. Most of you know well that how abusive narcissists are and if you read the article above, now you see how mentally tiring and destructive it is for me. I’m not complaining I just had to give it out. I’m tired and angry. I would be really happy if people could be more considerate towards others, not only towards people with mental illness but also towards all of us.

Because after all..

mad