Iridescent Spirits

Shelter of a constantly changing Soul.


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Restart – Or Why I Write (Writing 101)

Have you ever felt like you must do something extra or at least not so ordinary? I’m sure you have. Or have you ever felt like that your thoughts are engaged something completely nonsensical? Let me explain this.

Here is me, a perfectly ordinary(-looking) young adult, with a certain qualification and a certain job. I have my own struggles with money and life just like everyone else. I also have to mention that I live in a very small town, in a very small country. To someone like me nothing extraordinary could be expected in life. I finished schools, I have a job, probably I will get married one day, have kids and I will work and raise my children until I can retire. That’s it. And here is where we all freak out. That’s it!? Really? At this point, I have to say I’m well aware that lots of people go through this period. I know. But!

Continuing with my example here’s this blog thing. Again, I know, I’ve been a very bad girl, not writing (that’s not really true) or posting (well, that’s true) anything for a while now. I do feel bad about it. But to be honest, the urge never disappeared. For some inexplicable (yeah, I did learn that there is a word like this :D) reason, I feel I have to write the story that’s inside me. Apart from the cliché thing. I do have a story, that’s a bit gory, scary and dark but it’s mine, only it has to evolve, just like me. And I feel excited about it! Even if I’m not writing, I always think about it, creating actions, complication, and also I try to analyze in the terms of my own mental health problems. I really wish I could draw so I could see the scenes I have hard times to write. So I guess I could say I wasn’t completely idle. This time, the urge is stronger, and that’s how it should be I think.

Pinterest

Pinterest

All in all..

I write because I have to. I don’t know why or what for, but this is the beauty of it. 😉


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The F Word

Last night I got a very uplifting message from one of my blogger friends. I have to admit we are real friends now and after talking about our everyday stuff and so on, she told me she’s missing my posts. Well, I miss them too.

To be honest, I didn’t truly disappear from WordPress. I did something worse than that. I came up, read some blog posts, liked them, and even started writing my own stuff. But then, all the great and meaningful ideas that made me writing lost their purpose. I felt that whatever I do was pointless and perfectly stupid. Unfrotunately, this was true for everything I’ve done even outside the blogosphere. I told my friend that I gave up. Not only on blogging but basically everything. I felt that I’m worthless, useless and that I’m perfectly nothing. You know, that is the most dangerous thing about depression. It can control your mind and if you let it it will eventually take the leading role of all of your life. What is more, it does it without you noticing it. Though, at the beginning you just feel something is not right but cannot really name the monster that crawled up from under your bed right into your thoughts. No matter how hard you try you cannot reveal it, because you can’t find it in it’s regular place anymore. After some point, you even may give up searching. I have to say this is one of the worst things I’ve ever done in my life.

I can remember how afraid I was when I handed in my draft of the very first story to writing class, and also I can remember how afraid I was when I published that same story on the blog I started back then. This blog I mean. I was so terrified of what people would say about what I hadwritten. I was scared they would hate it, criticise it or simply they wouldn’t understand it. But I also remember what a great relief and delight it caused me when I read the comments either here in the comments section or on the handouts I got back from my classmates.

Yes, there is something that can petrify me – all of us –  but as soon as I manage to get rid of that frozenness and follow my inner voice I will eventually get my reward for the persistence to keep on fighting. I just cannot let myself forget about this.

So, do you know now what that “F” stands for?

In the hope of meeting again soon,
Adri


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Togetherness of Creative, Abstract Humans suffering from Mental Illnesses

I love this one. All my thoughts and feelings here written way better than I ever could. Also, a great source of encouragement..the thing that we may be lonely, but we are not alone ❤
Promise, I’ll try my best to hold myself together and be back to the blogging world.

GentleKindness

Each of us sits alone and writes about our individual mental torment. At any given time of the night or day, there are many of us sitting at our computer writing of how we feel alone.

We write about how the others do not believe in our suffering because they cannot see it. People tend to believe what they can see and touch.

I have found that abstract minded, creative people tend to suffer from mental suffering. This is exasperated by the fact that abstract , creative people are in the minority.
As well as the fact that people with mental illness are in the minority.

Being in two minority groups puts us into a further minority. This is one of the reasons we feel so alone and misunderstood. A lot of the time, we are misunderstood by the others. We are alone in our mental suffering a lot of…

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When I said I want to make my fairy tales reality I didn’t mean I wanted to end up as the Monster in the Forest…

I know I’ve been waaay too much away but I had my reasons. Writer’s block would be here a lame excuse and in fact this time, this is not what it’s all about.

I’ve been struggling both as an introvert and also as someone who fights mental illness secretly and all alone. It’s not enough that panic disorder and all mental illnesses are heavily stigmatized they are complex and living their own lives while creating newer and newer hardened by time problems.

One of this in my case is that heavy compulsion for conformity of mine. I’ve always been the weakest of the pack wherever I’ve been and the one who obeyed even if I didn’t want to. The other day, someone actually told me (after a few days of acquaintance) that I’m a type who can easily be used so not to be surprised if I am getting stepped on. The other thing is that I never trust anybody, so I speak the least of my personal problems, even the least ones. I am simply afraid of people, labelling me as a weenie, like they had done it so many times in the past. I am afraid that no one understands me, as even my closest people, who are well aware of my disorder, acts like as if I had no special problems, only a little of sloth and stuff like this. In fact, it became incredibly hard to live this way. I feel like I’m all alone with this struggle and sometimes I’m terribly afraid that I could go mad in any minute. I’ve picked up an extremely (and sometimes aggressively) defensive attitude, avoiding any confrontation, and being highly conscious of picking the words I say that could not be misunderstood so easily. In other words I am afraid of being myself. I feel like I am like a thin glass that could be shattered by even a gentle breeze, and I’m fed up with this.

The other day, or maybe weeks ago, I don’t know now, I found a great post shared by luckyottershaven, about sensitive people. It is a great article telling everything that needs to be known about these kind of people way better than I ever could, I highly recommend it, if you’re interested you can read it here:

“How Highly Sensitive People Interact with the World Differently”

The other thing with my high sensitivity and the one that has something to do with my decline in blogging, is that I’ve been suspecting for a while now, that I am working with a narcissist, in twelve hours a day. Most of you know well that how abusive narcissists are and if you read the article above, now you see how mentally tiring and destructive it is for me. I’m not complaining I just had to give it out. I’m tired and angry. I would be really happy if people could be more considerate towards others, not only towards people with mental illness but also towards all of us.

Because after all..

mad


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Once in a While…

A few days ago, something unusual happened to me.

Outside my blog, my panic disorder is a secret. Only a few people, who are the closest to me know about it. Also, about my abusive, alcoholic father, who beat my mom in front of me when I was a child. People hardly realise my sensitivity both when it comes to my inner peace and when I have to deal with everyday problems.

Those people cannot see into my mind, don’t know about my past, basically I seem to be a less then ordinary person to them. Somebody strange, a little weird, too silent and somebody who is afraid of almost everyone. But I’m quite fine with it. Furthermore, sometimes I love this idea that at least in my mind I can be alone and don’t have to express every feeling of mine. I have something I can keep only to myself.

As a result of these, over the years I got used to that people make judgements about me without getting a little closer to me, they arbitrarily label me as a weep, a doormat to rub their dirty feet on, somebody perfectly irresponsible, because I overslept due to my sleeping problems, and disorganised because they cannot see the mess that overtakes my mind, neither can they feel the fear that every little physical symptom of my illness raises in me. Over the years I got used to hide these things in me, and endured the painful prejudices without defending myself as I was well aware that some people simply cannot understand it. In fact, I never expected anyone any more to realise and not even acknowledge that I have a much bigger problem than what they think. I decided to fight all alone for my own good because I know no one else would do this for me.

But the other day, first in the approximate 7-8 years of living with my panic disorder, me and my illness got acknowledged. It happened on the primary school graduation of my distant nephew. I haven’t been in their town since I was a little girl but all of his family remembered me. His grandpa smiled when he saw me and said ‘here comes the shy little girl’. I didn’t really understand why he said that, I was so little when we last met that I could hardly recognise him. Later my mom said, I wasn’t really friendly towards him in the past. So I told him I can’t remember that time but I’m sure there was nothing personal about it. Then, he told me of course, and he didn’t mind as he knew I was just a little girl, and maybe his really deep voice scared me. Or..

He said he heard about my past, he didn’t elaborate on that so I asked him what exactly je was talking about. Instead answering, he just patted my head, smiled gently and said that we don’t have to talk about it.

This little acknowledgement and unexpected care surprised me so much, I just stood there petrified and couldn’t believe what had just happened to me. The little girl in me was more shocked, I was simply surprised. She would’ve cried but I didn’t. This very simple but caring act of grandpa melted my heart and I felt that all my silent sufferings got acknowledged. And this feeling was simply awesome. I wish all of us could experience something like this, at least once in a while.

Pic from Pinterest


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Let the Sunshine Award in!

I really really love having (blogger) friends. ^^ They are not only there for as shoulders to cry on but also they can be a very great source of inspiration. So, I would like to thank daziigirl from UNOTAKU, who nominated me for the Sunshine Award. She is a nice and smart young lady who became one of my best friends in a pretty short while and now we even share our real life problems and anxieties out of the blogosphere too. Thanks Dear! You made my day^^ ❤

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The rules of this award are as follows:

If you have been nominated for The Sunshine Award and you choose to accept it, write a blog post about the Sunshine award in which you:

• Thank the person who nominated you.

• Answer the questions from the person who nominated you.

• Nominate a few other bloggers.

• Write the same amount of questions for the bloggers you nominated.

• Notify the bloggers on their blog.

• Put the award button on your blog.

Now here are my answers to daziigirl’s questions:

1. Name three positive and negative traits of you!

Oh, I love this question 😀 What I think of as one my positive traits would be my compassion for others, let them be people, animals or even fictional characters. Actually I could cry more easily for others than for myself. The second positve trait of myself is my patience. It is pretty hard to upset me, though sometimes I think this is the thing I can hurt myself the most with. 😀 The third one and which I am the proudest of is the different way I see the world. I cannot really pour it into words but this is the thing for I love myself the most. An extra trait of mine I cherish is my insightfulness. 🙂

Ah, and the negative ones. Definitely my tendency to overthinking, overworrying and of course that compulsion for comformity. These bind me the most and I really struggle overcoming them. It can be really hard to live like this sometimes.

2. When and why did you start blogging?

I started my blog last April for a very uhm kind of strange reason 😀 At uni I took a Fiction Writing course where we wrote stories. Now, the idea of starting a blog came to me when I unintentionally created a sequel to the story I handed in but I was thinking a lot. I thought I should have more written stories before starting a blog in order not to “drown” in the series. But then someone copied one of my ideas so I got a bit afraid of losing the originality of my idea so I hastily published those half-finished stories :”D That’s it. If you got interested you can find them here.

3. Naruto or One Piece?

Naruto. (Because I haven’t watched a single episode of One Piece 😀 yet )

4. Do you believe in fate?

Absolutely. I firmly believe we all were born to this planet with a reason and with a mission we have to carry out. Though I’m not sure what’s my job here, I do believe I’ll find it out soon. 😉

5. What are your life goals?

Well, for a while now, my biggest goal in life is to defeat my panic disorder and to get in a better relationship with myself. Also, my blog became something very important (or I should say vital) to me, and without any certain prospect I feel I should keep it doing and see what will come out of it. 🙂 Finally, letting my voice be heard. Because sometimes it’s not that people don’t want to hear me, but rather I don’t speak loud enough.

6. What is your favorite music genre and artist?

I have a very eclectic musical taste, basically I like most genres but my favourite ones are those that have meaning. These can be instrumental (remember my love for the violin?) or whatever. The point is that if they inspire me, then I love them. For years I hardly could say I have a favourite artist but now I’d say Lindsey Stirling. She not only plays the violin but had suffered from a mental illness and defeated it so besides she can inspire me the most, she’s also my role-model.

7. What can we expect from your blog in the future?

I hope I can finish both The Colour Book of Spirits and The Panic Project too. These are very important to me, one because of my inner peace and I consider the other my life-work. Besides, I hope I can make out something great and inspirational out of my experiences and views, and that sharing them could do something good to those who read it. 🙂

Okay, I’d like to nominate two blogs. I really love them, they show such strength and love in this mad world where we all struggle.

Gentle Kindness

A Momma’s View 

What I’d like to know about them:

1. Did you start your blog with a certain purpose? If yes, then did you reach it?

2. What did you gain with your blog you are the happiest for?

3. Do you believe in fate? Does it have anything to do with your blog?

4. Does blogging affect your personal life? If so, then how?

5. What would you like your blog to be known for?

6. What are your life goals?

7. What do you look for when reading another blogs?

This would be my post on The Sunshine Award. I am really thankful for the nomination, it is not only an honor to me but also gave a little inspiration back to me. 🙂 And this is priceless.

Hugs! ❤