Iridescent Spirits

Shelter of a constantly changing Soul.

Where is your Papa?


Today I learnt that my step father, died on Friday. He was in coma for two weeks and he was in such a bad condition that the doctors couldn’t save him. And I got to know all of this right now.

It’s true, he wasn’t my biological father and he lived with us for only six years. I remember at first I wasn’t happy that he moved in with us because up until then, since my mom and bio dad separated, it was only the three of us; mom, my sister and me. So, I kept the distance from him for a while.

He was also an alcoholic. The depressed, not the aggressive type. Yet, he was the nicest and funniest man I’ve ever had the chance to meet. I gradually began to love him so much that I considered him as my real father. And he was my real father. He was protective, caring and a loving father. He told me that he loves me as if I was his real daughter. His alcoholism was the only bad thing about him. And even so, it was a shout out of a broken soul. He had his hardships as well, his father had hanged himself and he was the one who found him and he had to cut the rope. I’m not praising him because he is gone now, I thought of him this way even when we lived together and after he and my mom separated. We contacted each other regularly. I don’t know what’s it like to grow up with a wonderful dad but I could tell him everything, we had so much fun together and I could rely on him anytime I needed. That is my definition of Daddy.

I was able to understand his problems and the reason he couldn’t win against alcoholism; because there was no one for him to hold his hand. Unfortunately I realised it too late. He is gone now. I cannot believe it. Strange as it may seem, I cried more than when my mom told me that my biological father died. This may be a bad thing or whatever but emotional bonds can overwrite biology. With hindsight, about four years ago, my panic attacks became more severe when I learnt that my step father got into hospital because he had had a heart attack. To be honest, ever since then I was anxious deep inside that something like this would happen soon. This was the situation with my bio dad.

I am so devastated. I wanted to show him my braces and tell him that I got a job. I’m sure if he knew it he would be happy. I would’ve gone to visit him in the hospital if there wasn’t the restriction because of the flu. I would’ve wanted to talk to him and laugh with him and talk about deep and meaningful stuff together. I miss him already.

I love you Daddy! ❤



6 thoughts on “Where is your Papa?

  1. I am sorry for your loss. It is a terrible thing to loose someone. I believe he is in a better and happier place now with no worries or no sadness. I hope you get through this strongly. My prayers are with you

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So very sorry to hear of your sadness; your tribute is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so very sorry for your loss and that you had to find out the way you did, after the fact. This tribute was just lovely and very insightful. My heart goes out to you.

    Liked by 1 person

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