Iridescent Spirits

Shelter of a constantly changing Soul.

I’m not this strong.

15 Comments

Now I’ll just act like as if I had no followers and no one to read what I write here. Sorry, but I don’t want to get addicted to stats.

This month I have to say I was really happy. Thanks to WordPress’s Blogging University, I managed to find inspiration, meet new, interesting and amazing people, and I woke up everyday jumping out of the bed happily, I haven’t done since ages. I was energetic and more focused, not only considering my blog but also my real life duties.

But during the past few days, I did nothing but slept. Through day and night, which is pretty strange as I’ve been insomniac for years now. I really thought that I’m quite strong as besides insomnia I’ve been suffering from panic disorder and depression for years, yet I was able to get a qualification, I’m at the end of university, with quite good grades and I have an adorable boyfriend and thankfully, I didn’t end up being attracted to alcoholic and abusive guys unlike my mom. I’m thankful for all of these, and also for the thing that suffering from diseases for years having no one to talk about, I managed to remain sane.

But this sleeping thing is not only strange but also, even during those hours I’m awake I’m exhausted. I’ve just realised I’m doing the same as with my panic disorder; I’m not telling about it to anyone and letting it eat me up from the inside.

I’ve been looking for a job for months now.ย I’ve had an interview as well and I wasn’t as shy as I used to be so I thought things are finally going fine. Ever since my parents divorced, when I was seven, we lived in constant uncertainity. We moved to other places quite a lot and usually by the end of the month we ran out of all of our money and always had loans. Things haven’t changed so much since then.

Although, I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, I’m slowly running out of patience, becauseย everywhere they say “we’ll inform you soon“. No, I know they won’t. They say this all the time. I just want a damn job to manage my life. I don’t want to be rich just want to support my mom who has been working at a factory for more than ten years now. She’s extremely skinny since she’s always worried and doesn’t have time to eat and whenever she goes to the doctor I’m afraid it turns out that there’s something serious,

Really, uncertainity kills me the most. Lots of people say that we only face struggles we are able to overcome, but I’m not this strong. I’m officially fed up. And I’m crying now.
F*ck.

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15 thoughts on “I’m not this strong.

  1. Writing about it can help, its a way to get some of that negative energy out, yet feel safely “anonymous.” I’ve blogged about some very personal things that I have trouble talking about, and I do have to pretend like no one is going to read it so I don’t hold back. I think it helps. I suffered from depression when I was younger so I can somewhat relate. Although I don’t get actual panic attacks, I do have high anxiety at times. You have to figure out a way to manage it or it can really be debilitating. And don’t be afraid to ask for help.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you, writing it did help. That’s why I started blogging after all, yet I am always afraid talking about these stuff as I used to be told that this is just whining. If you mean professional help, I have a doctor and I’m medicated. I don’t know how and why this happened because I really felt I’m quite stable.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Sorry to hear you’re having such a rough time! As you said, you have a lot going for you and these things will fall into place. This quote had really helped me during particularly shitty times:

    “If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.”

    All these experiences shape you and once you’ve gotten past them will ultimately make you a stronger person!

    Liked by 2 people

    • You are really nice and I love this quote! Thanks. ๐Ÿ™‚ Actually I’m a type of person who seeks for the good even in the bad. I could find a good point in my parents divorce even though it was painful. This time I think it’s just I really got fed up.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Excellent title. It caught my attention, drew me in to read more. It is very brave of you to write the truth of where you are at right now. I agree about Blogging U. I too have looked forward to doing the assignments and writing. The stability of a regular “task” of getting up, writing or tinkering with the way the blog looks, learning new things and meeting awesome people like yourself. Depression is insidious. I cannot always pinpoint why I begin to spiral downwards, but am much better at catching my self at the edge of the whirlpool before the point of not control or return. Othertimes, it is as simple as the weather or I begin to feel I have no control over my life, my eating habits have begun to include too much sugar or wheat. There are so many triggers. I have been hibernating most of this winter, I call it cocooning so I feel better about it. Hahaha, but it is avoiding the outside and interactions with others. I know what I am about to say will sound pat but I have learned it is true. Like the clouds appear and disappear emotions also appear and disappear. I find meditation greatly helps me control my emotions. I have learned to accept that nothing is static, that my negative feelings too will change and I will feel better. Just knowing that helps. I am sorry you are experiencing the difficulties of that comes with the darkness. Talking about it is not whining it is part of recovery. Cry if you need to. It is a release of the pent up feelings, the tears are cleansing. I apologize for the longwinded reply but I wanted you to know that you are not alone, You are awesome and people care about you. Keeping up the good work with your writing. You have important things to say and say them well. (I am sending you healing hugs (((((HUGS))))) ) In love and light Cheryle

    Liked by 2 people

    • How do you manage to lighten such deep emotions every time? Your words always put a smile on my face and only gives me hope. Your blog reflects you in the purest way. Love it and YOU โค

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Dear! You are so lovely and I’m so happy that you are here to encourage me. ๐Ÿ™‚ I don’t really know why you think I’m awesome but I really appreciate your care. ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank you, really! And don’t mind the long comment. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Love and Hugs! โค

      Liked by 1 person

  4. heyy there you! I just nominated you for The Versatile Blogger Award. Check here for more : https://mylostlexicon.wordpress.com/2015/01/28/the-versatile-blogger-award/

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Your blogging BFF is still there ….so don’t you dare feel alone and depressed!
    Hugs ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I beleve you are strong to deal with it if you are strong to come out and write about it..you will emerge a winner i am sure..i would like to follow to see you succeed.. all the luck girl and go and grab it all you have it in you..

    Liked by 1 person

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