Now I’ll just act like as if I had no followers and no one to read what I write here. Sorry, but I don’t want to get addicted to stats.
This month I have to say I was really happy. Thanks to WordPress’s Blogging University, I managed to find inspiration, meet new, interesting and amazing people, and I woke up everyday jumping out of the bed happily, I haven’t done since ages. I was energetic and more focused, not only considering my blog but also my real life duties.
But during the past few days, I did nothing but slept. Through day and night, which is pretty strange as I’ve been insomniac for years now. I really thought that I’m quite strong as besides insomnia I’ve been suffering from panic disorder and depression for years, yet I was able to get a qualification, I’m at the end of university, with quite good grades and I have an adorable boyfriend and thankfully, I didn’t end up being attracted to alcoholic and abusive guys unlike my mom. I’m thankful for all of these, and also for the thing that suffering from diseases for years having no one to talk about, I managed to remain sane.
But this sleeping thing is not only strange but also, even during those hours I’m awake I’m exhausted. I’ve just realised I’m doing the same as with my panic disorder; I’m not telling about it to anyone and letting it eat me up from the inside.
I’ve been looking for a job for months now. I’ve had an interview as well and I wasn’t as shy as I used to be so I thought things are finally going fine. Ever since my parents divorced, when I was seven, we lived in constant uncertainity. We moved to other places quite a lot and usually by the end of the month we ran out of all of our money and always had loans. Things haven’t changed so much since then.
Although, I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, I’m slowly running out of patience, because everywhere they say “we’ll inform you soon“. No, I know they won’t. They say this all the time. I just want a damn job to manage my life. I don’t want to be rich just want to support my mom who has been working at a factory for more than ten years now. She’s extremely skinny since she’s always worried and doesn’t have time to eat and whenever she goes to the doctor I’m afraid it turns out that there’s something serious,
Really, uncertainity kills me the most. Lots of people say that we only face struggles we are able to overcome, but I’m not this strong. I’m officially fed up. And I’m crying now.